Monday, December 8, 2008

What I'm dealing with pt 1

Well onto a favorite subject of mine, sex, yesss!

Why is it so consuming?
I'd rather have sex right now than eat...but why? lol...

I've been in a bit of a drought for the past 4 months and it's been extremely difficult, well at least the last 2 months. I mean drought from everything, there's no one that I'm physically involved with or emotionally invested in at the moment, and for good reason! It's hard to go from getting it on the regular to quitting cold turkey; voluntarily and involuntary, mainly because I know I will not climax if I don't have some sort of connection with the man and involuntarily because...well I have no prospects really, lol. I wake up in the morning clenching my thighs together because a certain organ wont stop throbbing! Squeezing them together only makes the situation worse because I can feel my pearl rubbing up against my VHP. During the day I'm surrounded by beautiful, good smelling, black men who I fantasize about but at work I'm surrounded by too many damn women (the estrogen is stifling thus making my craving for testosterone even more intense). I finally get home (occupied by yes,three women other than myself) only to take a shower...alone...get in my bed to either toss and turn all night, battle with the idea of playin with the kat or somehow slip into an extremely erotic dream where I'm usually awoken by my own moans or the wetness that's left its' mark on my sheets.

Now I thought I had a cure for each issue presented but they've only left me embarrassed or in worse condition than where I started....

The insomnia-- usually when I sleep next to someone it helps me fall asleep so I'll invite a platonic homeboy over, we'll fall sleep but I notice whenever I do that the wet dreams come and wind up involving whoever I'm sleeping next to and I wind up startling them with involuntary movements or sounds, ahem, OR, they'll snore and I'll still get no sleep.
End result: Horny and wide awake still!

Petting the kitty-- just makes me insatiable, it's never enough and I get the urge to call someone who I know can please me to finish the job, only problem with that is the only men that know how are my ex's (big no-no!). So I'd just rather not do it.
End result: Horny and reminiscing about past escapades with the ex's (the good and the bad ugh!)

Ok, I can't really control the dreams I have so I just try to wake myself up...
End result: Doesn't work!


SO I've tried to occupy my time with other activities, homework, lol, working out, eating, mindlessly watching TV, excessive cleaning, texting, meditating, chiefing, lol...they still don't get my endorphins working like a good ol romp in the sheets will..

I just think it would be so nice to come home, take a nice hot shower with someone, have them rub me down with some Shea butter (and you know that shit is thick so it just might wind up being a mini massage ;)). A lil cunnilingus here, a lil fellatio there and some slow stroking to top it off, mmmmm...

or

Just rip my clothes off, pin me down and &^%)#* me like you're mad at me! I'm serious, just down right nasty and raunchy (Sometimes a female needs to be reminded that she is a woman!) hmmm...or on some Way of a Man with a Maid type of play...

In addition to that size does matter, it NEEDS to fit like a glove, there's something about having all your walls touched at the same time that drives a gal crazy....


I know, I know, a hot mess I am, but hey, I feel like expressing myself.







And now for a cold shower.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Gettin the bullsh!t out the way...

Just some things I've been wanting to say for a very long time....

*I got advised and will hopefully *fingers crossed* be done in the fall!

*I'm realizing I'm not completely over a certain situation that I thought I was, but oh well, I'll just have to deal with it. I indeed miss you very much and like I said before I just can't help it...

*Confession: I feel as though I think more logically than a lot of my peers...

*150!!!!!!

*...On the other hand I'm still pissed because I felt like someone didn't fight for me, for us, for what we could have had...it could have been so beautiful. Even though I was upset about some things at the time we still could have talked it out especially when you told me how you felt a certain way about me...but that lets me know a lot about the situation, maybe your heart really wasn't in it, infatuation is a bitch, it might actually make person think they're in love....but I will never understand why it was always so easy for you to go back to...oh wait, maybe it's that love thing again...

*I find passive-aggressive people very attractive.

*Why do I have to be the one to grit my teeth and just deal? I want to be obnoxious sometimes, I want to get triflin sometimes, I want to scream and shout and break things and say FUCK YOU, YOU FUCK-ASS NIGGA!, I want to whoop some people's asses sometimes.......but instead I chuckle, shake my head and :)

*That last one (^) felt really good.

*My vices replace each other...I have 5.

*I'm realizing how much I don't like the winter, it's cold and gloomy outside and all I want to do is cuddle up next to someone in a very warm dimly lit room and fall asleep. But it's funny to me how I always seem to be involved with someone during the spring/summer seasons but never the fall/winter and that's when I want to huggle the most. So on top of being freezing, you have cold sheets (lol), a low sex drive/no prospects, finals, "friends" or should I say frenemies, and a job that keeps cutting your hours.

*I think I have a problem with run-on sentences.

*But, I have my health, a loving family, a couple true friends and December 2009/May 2010 to look forward to.

*And I think I may also have a problem with starting sentences with conjunctions.
















*Cunt is my favorite word.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

[Untitled]

I received a call this morning that my great grandma of 94 years passed away. It hurts a lot but I know that she's home now. I'm just happy that I got to see her this far into my like but it's crazy to me because it feels like it was just yesterday that I was a little girl and she was teaching me how to crochet. Unfortunately I wont be able to go to her funeral because of lack of funds, it sucks but I guess I have to deal with it. The day before I moved to Atlanta to start undergrad in 2005 my great aunt, her sister, passed away and that was very hard to deal with also (I didn't get to go to her funeral either). But now knowing that they're together is comforting. So whenever you get a chance please say a little prayer for my family and I, Thanks.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Things that make you go ugh!

OK so I have 8am classes all week long and Tuesday/Thursday are my longest days 8am-4:20pm. I had an exam today that I know I at least got a B on (physiological psych aint no ho!) and finally wound up in my last class of the day. Now, this week is a bit stressful for me because I haven't had a lot of sleep (insomnia's a biatch), a ton of studying to do, maad assignments, and I'm still a little pissed because my job had to cut payroll by 35% so I have no hours at all this week! (I had planned on saving a lil $ so I could go to this Camp Lo concert on the 18th but it looks like that's not happening...) So yeah I've been a little irritable all week on top of unnecessary drama from other sources...got in my last class, senior seminar and this dude put the icing on the cake...

We have portfolios' due before the end of the semester, that's what the class and professor agreed on "Get it into me just as soon as you can" says the professor. Cool, I can do that. So this damn fellow student of mine, always on his high horse, kinda narcissistic, pops up and says, "Can't we turn it in next Thursday?!" The class in a roar says "NOOOOOOOOO!" but since the professor is in the same frat I guess he sided with him and said "Ok, next Thursday it's due." Mind you no one's really worked on it, it's not hard but it's going to take some time, time that I didn't anticipate spending on it this week since I have other projects to do and exams to study for. Everyone cut their eyes at our fellow student, it was hilarious. "Man, I'm trying to get this done ya'll!" he says, the class is still in an uproar and you hear miscellaneous people saying "Whatever, then you turn it on on Thursday, damn!" "You fuckin it up for the rest of us man!". "And weren't you absent last week, wtf!" lol. It's funny now but damn, I'm not trying to do all this mess at once, my brain is fried, it's time to freakin graduate already, too bad I'll need an extra semester of this, ugh! I love my alma mater but damn, it's time to go! lol...

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing the work, it'll actually be very beneficial in the end but this new deadline...man...I need a shot.

Anywho, I worked out today and meditated. I'm praying for clarity to get this work done and peace of mind to not go off on anyone while in the process...

Monday, October 6, 2008

Pictures!

Just a few photos...


My best friend and I hanging out for a friend's birthday.
My fellow bandmates and I enjoying homecoming!

One of my favorite homeboys and bandmates! Another favorite fellow bandmate!


Speaking of band, I must say we definitely blew Savannah State out the water! I haven't heard the band sound so good since I was last in it, lol, great job guys! I swear there is nothing like someone who can play an instrument...

The football team did well also, didn't win but did well 17-14.



On another note check out this video, I love this song! I also love Marvin...and Bobby Hebb, lol

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Week 25!

Yeah so this would make week 25 and I have been slacking a bit with the regimine but its not that bad because I do walk (MLK to West End Mall) to and from work at good pace and run around the store for a good 4-5 hours, lol. But, I have had one too many snacks this week and it shows, the tummy isn't as flat as it was 2 weeks ago (not that's it's ever been really flat but still, lol) they're right, sugar is the devil, haha...
OK so this isn't the BEST picture of my progress (mainly because I just ate and the picture angle sucks, excuses, I know, lol) but it is still a working progress! I'm going to sleep now, it's 11:20, waaay past my bedtime. Night!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Tales from the West End...

Ok so on Saturday I had a fabulous day hanging out with my freshman dorm sister who's finally decided to come back and finish her matriculation at CAU. We decided to run to the West End mall to go to this bookstore (which I love by the way) and look up some holistic books and other's by Dr. Frances Cress Welsing, Na'im Akbar, and some others. We just had a very nice day with each other so before we left the mall we decided to sit in the parking lot and talk for a bit, now this is around 8pm. I want to say around 8:30 a man, mid to late 20's pulled up on the drivers side going to opposite direction and stopped right next to my friends car, we thought nothing of it. So about 15 minutes goes by, we're still talking and this man is still sitting there so then she asks me, "Tiff, what is this man doing? He keeps peaking over here."

"He's probably getting some head or rolling a blunt or something, it is the west end." We both laughed and then he opened his car door a little bit then closed it and then opened it again. My homegirl looks to the side and says "omg, Tiffany look!" I look over...

This man is jacking off! Just staring at us in our faces and jacking off! So I screamed at him, "WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!" He didn't say anything, just kept at it.

We were stunned and were kinda laughing is disbelief and looking around for mall security, of course there were none. None had came by during the hour we were sitting there. So I guess we caught the end of it because he nutted, wiped his hand off, closed his door and drove off, no tags or anything on his car. Nasty ass

I'm offended, what made him think we wanted to see that mess? I almost threw up in my mouth. But I'm not too mad because maybe he was abused as a child or something and doesn't know how to act because no one in their right mind...anyways I guess that was the low light of my weekend.






wtf....smh

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Massa was in his quarters...

...maybe that's why he seems so angry all the time....read on, lol...


The season is changing quickly and unfortunately I've become a little under the weather. So today I decided fck it, I'm going to student health to go get some medicine. Yesterday I woke up with a fever and my head has been pounding since I've woken up this morning, I keep getting these hot and cold flashes, sneezing, coughing, achy all over, and every time I yawn it feels like I'm about to fall the hell out or like my head is gonna explode, the whole 9. So of course when I go to student health I get the doctor which whom I can't stand he always has a bad attitude (for what I dunno), very sarcastic, and his tone is just awful.

So I sit in the office facing his, smile, ask him how he's doing and he replies, very cordial, I was actually surprised. He walks in the office that I'm in and all of a sudden he looks like he has an attitude and he starts rushing through procedure, before even asking me about my symptoms he says, "What test are you trying to get out of Ma'am? What class are you missing?" I'm just looking at him like wtf, so I told him my 8am but only because I was trying to get to student health early but they didn't open till 9. (I didn't want to miss my 8am, we have good convo's in class but I also wasn't trying t get anyone sick) I wasn't even asking for a doctors note or anything.

"What's wrong with you today Ma'am?" (black doctor by the way). I say few things and he proceeds to look at my throat, "Nothing is wrong with your throat ma'am."

He was just being very sarcastic, I wanted to scream, "Nigga I'm sick wtf is you talkin bout?!?" So he asked me about my symptoms and I explained them to him.

"Ma'am have you ever experienced these symptoms before?" I'm thinking uh yeah I know when I'm fckin sick, don't try to make me look stupid, I didn't come here to get diagnosed I came to get medicine. But all I said was yeah

"You have the common cold Ma'am" No shit Sherlock...

So the nurse goes to get me some Offset and throat lozenges and it's just me and him in the room so I try to make small talk to liven up the mood because it looks like he already doesn't want to be there so I said "Guess what Dr. ______?!?"

"What Ma'am?" If this mf says Ma'am one more time...

"Well remember when I was having issues with my cycle well I lost some weight to help it and I was 185 in March and now I'm about 165." Now, I'm expecting a "Well what have you been doing to lose the weight?"or a "Wow that's nice keep up he good work.", SOMETHING, but no, he says,

"Do you know you weigh almost as much as I do?" and cocks his head to the side.

Bastard, at this point I'm ret to go and that's when the nurse came back in and I just took the medicine and was like "Are we finished?" then I left.


See, this is part of the reason why Black folk don't visit doctors, you'd like to feel cared for comfortable and like the doctor actually is concerned about you, he's just always been cold as ice, since my freshman year after having him I've always asked to be scheduled with the other doctor because he just acts like a tight ass prick, like he has a chip on his shoulder or something or like he'd rather not be working here. That's the vibe he sends out and he does it so slick, it's almost funny and my female cohorts have said the same about him and have complained about him he needs to chill with that mess before I file a complaint on his ass...

Man I'm irritated, drowsy and hungy, but thanks for listening to my rant, lol...

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Yeah it's been a minute...

This is going to be very short there are just some things on my mind I need to get out...some may be a little random...

Due to a recent turn of events, new found information and various conversations I've had with the opposite sex I've come to the conclusion that monogamy is bullshit and I dare someone to dispute me on that.

Why say something you don't mean then get mad when someone questions you about it?

Time is so precious, try not to waste it, or others. It's highly irritating.

You know you're pissed off when your sex drive is non-existent or cringe at the thought of someone touching you.

Things could be so simple, it's the jackasses that fck it up for the rest of us.

A man will do anything is his power to show you he loves and cares about you before he even thinks of saying it. -- Courtesy of K.E.

I think men really enjoy hanging out with each other, I had some neighbors (guys) that stayed in each others faces everyday (at least 7), sounded like they were playing Madden and bumping 50cent just about everyday but all the hoopin and hollerin, jumpin around and hyping each other up was cute. I could feel the testosterone through the wall, lol.


BTW, no I have not given up on my exercising and stuff I actually went to the doctor a few days ago and checked my weight, are you ready people, drum roll please..........


166!

I was 185 back in March. None of my jeans fit anymore or my dress pants, they just fall off, literally, I've had to cut some extra holes in my belt, and my ass looks great!!! lmao...pictures coming soon...I mean not of my ass, lol...

Saturday, July 12, 2008

If this aint birth control I don't know what is...

So I had the pleasure this past week of tending to my cousins (8 goin on 9 and 4 goin on 5 both boys) and let me tell you, it was no joke. Ironing their clothes, damage control (making sure they're not tearin up the house), cooking for them (extremely picky eaters), making sure they're bathed and clothed, attitudes, definace, hissy fits, tears, playing UNO ten million times (oh and don't let one of them lose, all hell will break loose!), running around in circles, and all that is just before 10 o'clock!

Needless to say I love them with all my heart, I love the kisses and hugs and the I love you's. I taught the 4 year old how to say I love you in French so whenever I say "Je t'aime" he says "Je t'aime aussi!" (more like "juh tim ohsee"). Poor thing, I went out on a "date" last night and both of them were upset with me, pouting and blocking me from walking down the stairs. Around 5am the little one came into my room crying, half sleep, wiping his eyes, mumbling, "Tif-fa-ny can I sleep with you, I had a bad dream..." Funny thing is I was having a bad dream until he woke me up so I was like hell yeah! lol until like 6am when I heard him snoring like bear and I kicked him out, lol...he'll be aight.

They are a handful but these two are my heart and I can't wait to see what young men they will grow into.

Monday, July 7, 2008

The Run Down! Pt. 2

Grandma fryin it up!

me...drankin, lol

momma dancin
Auntie (pink)
Mom sippin the margarita I made her
Aunties (white and apron), cousin (male) Family friend (colorful dress)



My Aunties BBQ'in
"Big and Tasty"
See, it's the women in my family who run things!

mmmmmm

Cleanin as we go!

The "bar" lol
My Momma and I, I love this lady!



Relaxing

Saturday, July 5, 2008

The Run Down!

What: 4th of July Weekend Family Bash Weekend
Where: Jaksonville, NC
The food:
DAY 1: Chicken legs, chicken thighs, chicken quarters, brat, hotdogs, BBQ pork ribs, beef riblets, potatoe salad, corn OTC, red beans and rice, peach cobbler...I lost track of how much food we had, lol, but it could definitely feed about 2 football teams...twice, lol.


DAY 2: Seafood soiree!!! Shrimp, fish, and all of the above! lol

Liquid Sin: Grey Goose, Jose Cuervo, Bacardi Gold, Smirnoff Vodka, all kinds of soda and juices to mix with, peanuts, party mix, limes, Heineken, Corona, Guiness, Bud light



All I can say is YUM!!!!!! I love my family!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

CAUTION: Objects in camera are BIGGER than they appear...

Ok, so for some reason this past week has been a little tough for me, probably because I've been in a bit of a funky mood but still I persisted. I showed my face at the SBC (summer band camp) for the high school kids held by us, the Mighty Marching Panthers, C-A.....U!!! lol and it was so fun to see kids (black kids) so talented and passionate about something, especially my first love, music.

OK so I was taking pictures this morning of my progress and I realized that the camera does put on extra pounds, I was looking at the screen of the camcorder and then I looked at the mirror and it looked very different, which I was actually sort of happy about...

I went to this sports bar called Barley's last night, had a Blue Muthafucka and GreyG with Cranberry juice, yeah I'm paying for it right now cus my stomach is killing me, lol, today just might be my "off day" for exercising...


Anywho, one of my good friends came back into town whom I haven't seen since before graduation. I didn't realize until I saw her how much I missed her, love ya *Dawn*

Sunday, June 15, 2008

The Bold and the Beautiful...

Ok, the theme of this past week....Get BOLD. It's been a while since I've been able to muster up the strength to put on a bathing suit, let alone a bikini *Screams* but I put it on and uhm, yeah, to whoever is reading this, this is very bold of me to do...lol...(my apologies for the blurriness/darkness, my camcorder is so sensitive to movement, every time I press the button for a picture to be taken the whole camera wobbles, lol)







Taken this mornin, entering Week 11....







Yeah, so I'm still battling the bulge but I've always been a little hip-y and my tummy has never in my life been flat but these pictures give me hope. I just feel so energetic and I've been sleeping a lot better at night. My goal was to be about 2/3 less of this size by the time fall rolls around and I think I can do it, no I know I can. But I am so NOT putting up the pictures from 10 weeks ago, I'm not EVEN going to embarrass myself, at least not now lets look to the future not the past, lol.




Speaking of getting bold, I knew this guy that was on the brink of stalker-ville and when I told him I didn't want to be bothered with him can you believe this n*gga FLIPPED OUT!?! All kinds of expletives, lol....so I told him to stop calling/texting me because it was harassment "No it's not", he says. "Yes it is, the police told me so", I say. Yeah he b*tched up right after that. lol...everything is cool now.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

End of week 9, beginning of week 10!

Well, I just got back from exercising and I'm a little tired but this past week was a pretty good one for me. I rested on Thursday and Saturday but made up for it today and it felt great.

Now, I hate running, absolutely hate it, but fortunately it works, lol. My thighs were a little sore earlier in the week from lunges but by tonight I was doing pretty good, I managed to lunge the whole field, back and forth and it felt so good to get it done.

So this week I've come to the conclusion that everything is mental, from getting the motivation to get up every morning to pushing myself beyond what my body thinks it can't do. While running I got really tired at one point, well at least my chest did, lol. But I realized that my legs were perfectly fine and hadn't given out yet, they burned but nothing unbearable so I started reapeating a mantra in my head, just motivating myself to push through that last stretch and it's worked, in addition to a little prayer (asking the man upstairs for strength physically and mentally). I'm actually really proud of myself for sticking to this and my body is actually respnding very well to all the changes that it's gone through these past weeks. At this point I'm not really as concerned about having the perfect bod more than I am being healthy, the results are just an added bonus to me!

I feel like I'm my own cheerleader but it's ok, it's fun! lol

Go Team Tiffany!!!


Oh yeah, I have been taking pictures of my progress but I'm not going to put them up just yet, soon my friends, soon...

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Brooding

So my eyes and my heart have been open to some wonderful things, and some not so wonderful, although I'm not about to put ALL my business on blast I can definitely say my outlook on a few situations is a lot different...I'm not much of a poet and I'm feeling a little empty right now, but the mood I'm in has lead me to this...

Head Heart Coordination 6/7/08

Ears to the door
Eyes to the floor
I can't take this anymore

Your heart is fleeting
My soul is bleeding
For me, what exactly do you have in store??

For your words rarely sparkle
My knees don't weaken
Actually they've gotten stronger...
From bearing the brunt of your burden

Butterflies have left my stomach...
Through my bowels,
Yep, you have that **"it" factor
That's for certain

Nothin' personal.






I love poetry, so colorful...lol

Thursday, June 5, 2008

What's in a name...

When I looked up Tiffany years ago I found it's the Medieval form of Theophania (there are various spellings of this). In addition I found:

1200 AD - "Tifinie" is used in Old French to mean "Epiphany." It derived from a similar Late Latin word which in turn came from the Greek "theophaneia," meaning an appearance or manifestation of God. ("Theo" = God, "phaneia" = appearance; the "phan..." element is related to such words as "phantom," "fantasy," and "fancy," but not to the "fan" in "fan club" or "fanzine," which is short for "fanatic," and is from a completely different etymological source.) A later French spelling is "Tiphanie."

Which is kind of interesting because my Mom's name, Angela, means messenger of God...even more interesting my real Father's name, Alwyn, (a variation of Alvin) means supernatural being...


And I usually don't do this but I had to jack it from RawDawgBuffalo, thanks! lol

What Tiffany Means

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings.
You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun.
Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them.



You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

This is pretty dead on if I do say so myself, though I think I have more of a Type B personality, and the last line, I've been trying to settle down since I was 10, lol.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Congratulations, it's a.....!!!!!

I'm going to get a lot of slack for this but this is something that's been on my mind for a while and I can't hold it anymore!!!!! Pregnancy.


Now, I don't know if people are bored, lonely, horny, if it's a fad or if they really think they're ready for a child but I swear, they thought teenage pregnancy was on the rise, try "early twenties" pregnancy. Man, I want to say about 75% of the girls I graduated with from high school were either pregnant then, pregnant now or already has a 2-4 year old child. DON'T GET ME WRONG I truly believe children are blessings but damn, this isn't 1866, we do not have to wed early or bear children early so why now? Do they not want to live their young lives to the fullest?

How I see it, you have kids early and/or marry early and have kids right away you don't really get a chance to experience your own life by yourself and I believe it is absolutely necessary to enjoy time with yourself before you start devoting yourself to someone else...and a new family. Shoot, you don't even get to know your partner as well because you're so busy working to take care of your "new accessory". You spend your lives raising your kids and when they go off to college and get along with their own lives you're stuck in this house with a spouse whom you realize you really don't know, then you start calling for your kids to come home EVERY holiday possible, even St. Patricks Day, lol...ok, a little extreme, but hey, I've seen it happen...



Ok ok, some people do have connections and they do last a long time but they are few, far between and fantasy and divorce has steady been on the rise just as single parenting. Needless to say I want a husband who fathers our children.....not a baby daddy.



I figure an average person graduates high school, then undergrad for 4-5 years, then you maybe get an apartment by yourself to fully enjoy not living under your parents wing and providing for yourself, then however long grad school takes, then maybe a doctorate, THEN you finally get to dive into your profession and maybe in the middle of all this chaos you've had time for a relationship, and depending on if it's serious or not engagement and then marriage, time alone with your spouse and then kids once you're financially and mentally stable. Whew! That's a lot and adding kids into the equation really makes things interesting...


I don't think I'm so much as surprised at the pregnancies than I am the amount of people who aren't practicing safer sex. If you're clean, your partner is clean, there's some type of BC and it's monogamous, hey, get busy and have a healthy sex life! But I don't understand the being in the heat of the moment, you had an accident...maybe it wasn't an accident, maybe you trapped him, maybe he trapped you, hmmm...because those 15 minutes of bliss are going to have you jacked up! lol, I'm wilding out a little bit on this subject but it's the truth and you know it, c'mon it's 2008 geeze! That accident could come with a whole lot more than just a baby! I think my views on certain issues have definitely gotten more rigid as I've gotten older...


Some might say I'm being insensitive, some might say these words may come and bite me in the ass some day but shit, I'm tired of keeping quiet, I'm seeing A LOT of "accidents" and that shit isn't cool in my book, sorry. But I guess it's also not my issue either, eh? BUT to all the moms and dad's handling their business and the mommies to be, I wish you nothing but the greatest that life and your bundles of joy have to offer you!!!











JMO!!! :)

Friday, May 30, 2008

Round 2 of Bringing Sexy Back!

So I've been exercising regularly and trying to eat better since April (about 7 weeks, this week made 8) and I've seen small changes. Face getting smaller, I can see my collar bone, arms more toned, my legs are definitely stronger and are looking a better, my ass is starting to sit up higher, my waist is shrinking, and my stomach has less of a round pregnant woman look to it, lol. My stamina during exercise is getting better even though I've really never had a problem with it.

As far as my diet changing I'm having less breakouts and the dark marks on my face are getting a lot lighter, and I'm more regular (TMI, I know, lol).


I know I'm getting used to all these changes because it starting to become second nature to me, as far as exercising even when I don't want to and not putting certain foods and drinks in my body. (Sugar, carbs, all that bad stuff in moderation) I actually have a hard time finishing the food on my plate because I get satisfied faster. I must admit I have been flubbing up a little but hey it was my birthday weekend but I'm getting back on track.

I'm actually enjoying doing this weight loss thing the right way, it feels good because the changes in my health lifestyle aren't so drastic that I wont fall off the wagon the moment I eat a pack of M&M's or something with bread in it. I'm learning my body, and it's kind of fun to figure out what foods and exercises work for me. This is definitely a life change and I don't mind it one bit because when I'm in my 40's I'm going to be one of the hottest mom's on the block, lol.

Besides all that I found out a lot of the things I'm doing now is setting me up for a healthier future as far as heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol and so on. It's funny because I thought when I was diagnosed with PCOS that I'd have such a hard time getting my body on track but I realize that it's just a stepping stone which is encouraging me to live a healthier life. I know the way I want my body to look isn't going to happen over night and it's something that I have to maintain and work hard for and it's making me happy that I have the support of the people I love. *Vato*


I'm adding jumping rope and more yoga this week, I'll keep recording my progress on here to keep me motivated!!

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Vingt et un!

SO I'm finally 21, it just feels really good to say...and type. I spent the weekend in Las Vegas and although I didn't get to see the Aussies (Thunder Down Under) review, lol, I did have a fabulous time.

My mother, my good friend D and I spent the weekend in the Paris Las Vegas Hotel and gambled and drank our little hearts out (well at least I did and mom hit 1G with one pull of the slot machine off of $20!). The casino section was filled with smoke and I could have sworn I smelled some green, lol, and a lot of drunk folk It was quite funny actually until this man bumped into me, dropping his $30 verre du vin, nearly cut my foot because there were shards all over my foot and red wine spilled on my WHITE leather heels. Then had the nerve to say, "Well thanks!" WHAT?! I could have went off, but I wasn't about to let him ruin my night or my blissful tipsy stupor...anyways the pathways in the hotel were like the coble streets of Paris with the ceiling realistically painted as the sky and restaurants modeled as store fronts. A lot of good French food (crepes, a boulangerie, Le Burger Brasserie, Le Village Buffet), and entertainment (piano wars, standards singing really good classic oldies). The Hotel was corny to an extent but done very classy and the decorum of the hotel was fabulous.

We visited the Bellagio, Bally's, the M&M store, and the Mile of Shops. In the middle of drones of tourists, we managed to make our way down the strip, it's beautiful at night, kind of like a more subtle version of forty deuce in Manhattan.


All in all, May 24th, 2008 was a great day, I got to spend the day with the people I care about and I was happy to listen to all the voicemails and emails wishing me a happy birthday upon my return so thanks to those of you who did!

Sunday, April 6, 2008

Go green!

It's been a while, but for good reason, a whole lotta shit goin on (I hate explaining myself sometimes so I wont). But, I am not following the Mayan calendar and today is the 3rd day of the 10th moon. I feel like I need to be in tune with nature so this is my attempt, in addition to cutting back on some unhealthy medicinal practices and eating right (ugh, breakfast) and distancing myself from negativity (even my own). I've noticed my face looking brighter (big ups to iron, omega-3's and Vitamin A, C, E, & K)...

On another note the semester is ending and it's time to kick it into high gear. I'm very pleased so far with my averages but they could be better so I'm grinding now...

Mark your calendars for a very special day coming up, May 24th, the day yours truly was brought into this world, oh how I miss the comfort of my mothers womb but this isn't so bad. I plan on going to Vegas and doing a little bit of everything, can't wait!

Time for Tae-Bo! Au revoir!

Sunday, March 2, 2008

What the F*ck?!?

Some things make me sick as hell.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

...Didn't you know this?...Or didn't you notice?

This world is amazing, it never ceases to amaze me. I was just staring at the moon, yes starring, and I got lost in it. It's bright and beautiful, just like the other planets and stars. This earth, powerful beyond measure, hurricanes, tornados, earthquakes, tsunamis, all that shit. Wind, snow, rain, thunder, lightning, hail, sleet, heatwaves, crazy. It really makes me realize how minute our existence is compared to how much is out there. It made me realize how tiny my problems are, how tiny everybody's problems are actually. Galaxy's, black holes, the milky way, comets, meteor showers, and this eclipse. Wow is all I can really say....I never really wanted to go into space, but now, I want to sit on the moon and listen to some Jazz.

That is all for my random moment of the day :)

Saturday, February 16, 2008

PME

This here is dedicated to my sis Dawn...lol

The wind falls
Like the rain blows
origami through the field
of an aquatic journey
to my soul.
As I grasp for an irreconcilable
difference, the products
don't add up.
Can you help me find
the quotient?

Saturday, February 9, 2008

On a more positive note...

Drinking ice cold tap water from a mason jar.

Painting my nails red.

Seeing my 94 year old great grandma crochet.

Reading sheet music.

Going back to NC and seeing what new babies have been added to the family.

Slow dancing to no music.

Jill Scott (I love this woman!).

Here, My Dear and I Want You.

Making my mother laugh.

How excited my family gets when they come to Atlanta for homecoming to see me march.

Cleaning the house.

BEAUTIFUL BLACK MEN (I really love ya'll!).

Having my skin touched.

Little boys with ashy knees from playing in the dirt.

Little girls with the beads in their hair and the foil on the ends.

My arch in my feet.

Good smelling stuff, be it perfume or cleaning products.

Good movies and great literature.

Being Black.

Friday, February 8, 2008

These are a few of my less than favorite things...

In no particular order...


Children that know the lyrics to rap songs.

Not knowing enough about my history.

People who don't rinse out the tub.

Hearing an old school song I like and not remembering the artist.

The 3 years that have passed without me talking to my biological father and my 4 brothers and sister.

Onions and tomatoes on my burgers when I SPECIFICALLY ask that they not be put on.

The bottom of a pot or pan being scratched up by a metal utensil.

Miss Celie not whooping Mister's ass. But I understand...

Spotted glass.

Back hair.

Funny smells.

People who burp on purpose in public.

Unfinished work (any kind).

Essay/short answer tests.

Public restrooms.

The changing rooms and bathrooms at the beach.

Never seeming to have enough money when visiting amusement parks.

Instigation.

Egoistic hedonists.

Not understanding something.

Close mindedness.

White lies.

"Hurry up and wait".

Erectile dysfunction.

Not being photogenic.

When someone says or does something gross or inappropriate and EVERYONE cringes. Really don't like that, lol...

Chapped lips.

Inconsideration.

Unless it's math or you are in the 3rd grade, you should not be writing in pencil.

Electronic junkies.

Excessive amounts of hair weave in vibrant colors.

G.B.


THE FACT THAT I'M NOT GOING TO THE JILL SCOTT CONCERT ON THE 22nd or 23rd!




more to come... :)

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Rest your weary head, my child

Just Go To Sleep 2/7/08

Late nights can be the worst
It's when you think of loves lost,
being mistreated, being lied to
being used.
It's when you cry yourself into REM
wishing someone was there to console you
hold you, kiss you,
tell you you're still beautiful.
Even in your most snotty, puffy-eyed state
It's when you feel a void
that used to be filled
with deciet, desire.
Any and every memory
can and will flood your mind.
When you think about how crazy and stupid and naïve you were
for doing this
or that.

Some of the best things happen late at night
It's when you're awoken by a kiss from a late work night
When you get a tap on your shoulder and that look.
True emotions are divulged,
and the skeletons fall out the closet.
When mistakes are understood
and forgiven.

Reflection

I've lived in a lot of places, experienced a lot of things, met a lot of people and shed a lot of tears. I am in the company of some wonderful ladies that I call my best friends (you know who you are) and some genuine men (you too know who you are). Relationships, I've experienced it, but not in the way I've wanted to. I've dated drug dealers, heart stealers, and cheaters and now I'm looking for a wound healer. I do open myself up, maybe a little too much, but I thought that's what you're supposed to do when you really care for someone. Ah well, that was the past and after being single for a little while I've had the chance to look at myself, the mistakes I've made, the hastiness, unintentional selfishness...I’ve basically come to the conclusion that I’ve centered my life on making others comfortable and boosting everyone elses ego. I believe my kindness has turned a little bit into push-over-ness and I have allowed people to use me for their convenience, there I said it. BUT, I like making people feel good, I really do, I think everyone should have at least one person that they can say cares for them and I guess I’ve always wanted to be that person. I’ve always wanted to be everyone’s best friend, every guy’s girlfriend, every family member’s favorite child and I’ve done everything to please EVERYONE ELSE. I guess it’s kind of like a pie, everyone keeps taking a slice from the pie, leaving it empty and the warmth it once had from being whole has now gotten colder since pieces of it have been taken away. And, because it’s still sweet, everyone still wants a bite, never offering to buy the ingredients to bake a new pie, just consuming it. I've never been the most beautiful, had the best body, skin nor have I had the best hair or material items, so I guess I was just over compensating by making everyone else feel good because that made me feel good. Don’t get me wrong, I have had my confident moments but they were usually shot down quickly by someone whom I let have a piece of this pie. It is funny how the ones’ closest to you are the quickest to tear you down.

I'm young, yes, but I think I have a good idea of what I need in the relationship department (Don't worry, I wont give you a long list). But, I consider myself to be a good woman, a lil freak nasty (who isn't?!?), but good all the same. I don't really date, it's a waste of time, energy, and is just awkward. I don't take phone calls after 10pm from men (what do we possibly have to talk about that can't wait until the morning?...exactly!) nor do I make dates for the weekend after Wednesday (after Wednesday, it's mischevious girls weekend! lol). I study and paint my toe nails on Sundays, read a little scripture every now and then, and I'm very smart...a lot smarter than some people seem to realize. I just wish I could come across someone of the male persuasion that I could hang out with, rub my cold nose on their cheek to warm it up (when I'm really just trying to get a whiff their colonge, lol), watch Like Water for Chocolate and all my other favorite movies that people don't watch, have him meet the love of my life (my mom) so she'll have someone to call her son-in-law (endearingly joking of course), suck on their earlobe just for fun while he rubs my butt, eat my fried chicken with, tell my secrets, hopes and dreams to and then cuddle all night to some Teddy P. or Barry, whatever happens after that happens. I want him to be comfortable enough with me for him to do the same.

I crave passion, excitement, lust, reciprocity, love, affection, attention, empathy, consideration and honesty. I never ask for anything that I'm not willing to give in return. I like to think of relationships as a phone bill. You know there are just standard charges you have to pay (basic plan, service charges, state tax...), and then there are the extra's (texting, internet, roaming, ring tones, games...) To me the standard charges are everything that you're going to get from me from jump, even if we're just friends (kindness, trust, caring, compassion, etc...) and the extra's are everything that's manifested within the relationship (love, unconditional positive regard, freaky sex, love making, reciprocity...). The problem is, people want to use up all their minutes and then complain when they have to pay for it...

But through all of that I've come to realize all that I have to offer. A warm, selfless, understanding heart, a sincerity that some are astonished by, and a love for people that scare some. I still have a love for everyone, even those who have hurt me, only because I believe that everyone IS really good at heart.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Writing a check that my @$$ CAN cash

Some me time 2/6/08

Eyes wide open
Back meets cool, stiff sheets
Legs restless, for once
No contortions, no kisses, no goose bumps
Hands, searching for that pearl that has
washed upon a secluded shore
They follow a path to see where it leads
Knees, yearning
Thighs, fiending,
parting
no not again tonight
not again by myself
yes, by myself again

Delusion 2/6/08

I've been touching myself

all day,

wishing my hands were those

of a strong, passionate being with a Y chromosome.

Neck, shoulders, collar, chest

Monkey bites in places that make me perform at my best.

Warm chocolate skin, smooth soft and supple
Eyes to eyes, nose to nose, lips gently touching
Stuck between a pillow and a hard place,
I'm trying to keep up with your pace.
Holding me like a fermatta
Don't see how this can get any hotter
Tooted in the air, Y mounts my behind
Rearranging my organs, tapping my spine.
Gutteral moans, nice and slow
Wimpers, wails and screams at a fortississimo.
Back to reality, I'm dank with lust
Examining the space around me,
Cold and empty.
Wish I didn't have such an active imagination.


Nasty 2/6/08

I am on fire!
A 3 alarm blaze this be
across this untouched flesh
You know what would put it out...?

Palm abruptly meeting my bowl of jelly
cus jam don't shake like that.
Bite me, squeeze me
Rake your nails down my back
Run your fingers through my roots
Have a good grip?
ok, yank.
Talk to me with a mouth
you wouldn't dare kiss your mother with
Make me coo like a dove,
purr like a kitten
Make this kitty purr
Stay focused
I'm small enough to get tossed around..
But big enough to take it
Act accordingly.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

My Haiku's, lol...

Woke up this morning
Panting, sweaty, embarassed
Dreaming is a trip


Yay, Super Tuesday
I'm trying to make a change
Barack Obama

Monday, February 4, 2008

Themes

My mother is in the middle of renovating her brownstone in Brooklyn and one day I went int the basement to go through my boxes of stuff that I left behind before I left for college. I found a tiny crumpled piece of paper between some of my old high school, jr. high and elementary school work (I save everything) and judging by my handwriting it was jr. high. This is what the paper said:

Themes

*Dreams can either save or destroy a person.

*Values and ideals are worth fighting for.

*We do not simply live for ourselves but for those who came before and will come after us.

*Only through self-respect and self-esteem can people live comfortably with themselves.

*Materialism and money, in themselves, are worthless.

*Dreams are necessary and important even if we don't completely realize them.

*Families can survive any catastrophe if the members love each other and share a common goal.

*It's never too late to start over.


Very simple and basic but I was just thinking that with all the rigors of life we sometimes need that little reality check, I guess this was mine.

i i i i i be on that bullshit?!?

So I'm a little agitated because of some recent events, so I will vent...

I hate it when little boys, yes I said it, boys, say that "girls be on that bullshit". Are we on that bullshit because we don't 'holla back' at you when you call us out like dogs on the street, then call us bitches when we don't respond?? Are we on that bullshit because we don't put out?? Are we on that bullshit because we're not here for your convenience?? Are we on that bullshit because we don't want to meet ya'll after two exchanged messages from MySpace?? No, we're not on that bullshit, we are women that respect ourselves, and ya'll are little boys that don't understand that. Now don't get me wrong, this isn't addressed to all members of the male species; men, please disregard this, and boys, adhere to this: little boys are meant for little girls, and I truly believe that all males can tell a ho from a house wife, just as we women can tell a boy from a man. So fellas, when you recognize a true woman, please come correct and treat her as such and maybe, just maybe it will seem like she isn't on that bullshit.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

What's been on my mind...

L.U.S.T. 2/2/08

When I heard your voice this morning I nearly fell on the floor
Palms sweaty, forehead sweaty, back sweaty, how are you doing this to me?
Watching your lips move as you spoke so eloquently
I wanted to taste your tongue to see if it was as sweet as the words that came from it
This is so wrong, on so many levels.
But what's feeling wrong in my head I know would feel so right between my legs
So...we need to handle this because I'm tired of handling it alone.



Deal, or No Deal? 1/30/08

Ok, here's the deal
Well, I think we should make a deal, rather
Let's take a chance
On love, on lust
Let's cohabitate, copulate
Let me lick you from the bottom of your spine to your nape
Wait
Let me clarify

From the moment I laid eyes on you, I wanted you
In the worst way
I fantasize about you
In the most compromising positions my devilish mind could think up
You are truly a heavenly creation from our Divine CEO
And I want to corrupt you
I want you to corrupt me

I want to hold you
I want to have late night conversations full of giggles and yawns
I want a kiss on the forehead
I want to sip wine with you and listen to Jazz
I want it from the back
I need a piece of you, even if only for a moment...
Deal?


Hanging On To A Memory 11/26/06

I don’t know why I’m still thinking about you
No, I take that back, I do
It’s because your scent has seeped deep into my pores,
No matter how hard I scrub, it still remains.
Your presence is felt even when I’m alone,
Your voice is heard when I’m thinking,
I feel your touch when I hug my pillow at night
I taste your love when I eat
I CAN’T EXCAPE YOU
I don’t know if I want to
I need to

I hate sleeping alone
My bed is so cold without you in it beside me
And I find myself restless
Mainly because there is no one there to rub my butt and put me to sleep

I don’t know why I miss you so much
When it was good, it was so…so good
I still feel you lingering inside of me
You’ve left an impression that I don’t think anyone can fill
Your strokes, longer than the Euphrates…
Deeper than the Nile…
You ravished me in ways I never thought possible
You sent me to a place that surpassed ecstasy
Over and over and over again
You hurt me so good
So good, I just ached
Ached for more
Damn, I don’t know why I’m still thinking about you

I don’t know why I want you so bad
I just want one night
One night to do all the things I should have done
All the things I wanted to do…
But was scared to do
One night to REALLY show you how much I miss it
You said I was always a giver ;)
You told me it was so good
I was good
You told me that it was mine and mine was yours
You told me you’ve never been so deep
How did you manage to hit my spot e-v-e-r-y single time?
One touch and my love came pouring down like the Niagara Falls
Our connection was electric
I still get goose bumps just thinking about it
You can’t tell me you don’t miss that
You can’t tell me that you don’t feel the same way
…Maybe you don’t
Damn, you got me f*cked up

I try to front like I don’t miss you
You front too
I guess it was good for the moment
But we both know it would never work again,
Because in the end, like Jill said…
“You were never good for me
And I was never good for you…
I just miss what we used to do”