Saturday, August 13, 2011

Not this...again

I haven't written in a while, I wont spend meaningless time to fill you in I will just get to the meat.

I have been hurt this week. Someone who told me they wanted to be monogamous, who wanted me to open up and be more transparent, who needed me to be more attentive to him has been lying to me. Has been fucking another girl unprotected, a girl who he said he loves, who he fucked around on when they were dating.

I was beyond livid, hurt, cut deep. Now, with the help of God and a whole lot of prayer I am healing. This is hard. This is hurtful. I cry because the only thing I want is someone to take care of MY heart. To be here for me to cry on their shoulder. Someone who is mine and mine alone. Why is that so hard to find? I am tired of falling into the idea that if you don't sleep with a man you wont keep his attention. I'm tired of being played with but still being told how "great" of a person I am and how they wish they hadn't fucked up. I am tired of questioning myself, comparing myself to who they pass me up for. I am just tired. All I want to do this weekend is drink Nyquil and sleep, smoke weed and pass out from too many shots. *sigh* I am exaggerating but I do feel numb. I want to cry until I can't cry anymore. Not because "I liked him so much", but because I feel betrayed. I feel sorry for myself because I saw this a mile away. I knew he loved her in April, why didn't I confront him then? I wasn't strong enough. I need thicker skin. Apparently bitches are the ones who wind up with men chasing after them. This girl has him whipped. My ex's girl had him whipped. Why don't I have that ability? I don't want to whip you I just want you to need me and no other woman...

This is my release. Expect more for a couple of months.