Know ThyTheophania

Not this...again

2011-08-13T11:48:00.000-07:00

I haven't written in a while, I wont spend meaningless time to fill you in I will just get to the meat.

I have been hurt this week. Someone who told me they wanted to be monogamous, who wanted me to open up and be more transparent, who needed me to be more attentive to him has been lying to me. Has been fucking another girl unprotected, a girl who he said he loves, who he fucked around on when they were dating.

I was beyond livid, hurt, cut deep. Now, with the help of God and a whole lot of prayer I am healing. This is hard. This is hurtful. I cry because the only thing I want is someone to take care of MY heart. To be here for me to cry on their shoulder. Someone who is mine and mine alone. Why is that so hard to find? I am tired of falling into the idea that if you don't sleep with a man you wont keep his attention. I'm tired of being played with but still being told how "great" of a person I am and how they wish they hadn't fucked up. I am tired of questioning myself, comparing myself to who they pass me up for. I am just tired. All I want to do this weekend is drink Nyquil and sleep, smoke weed and pass out from too many shots. *sigh* I am exaggerating but I do feel numb. I want to cry until I can't cry anymore. Not because "I liked him so much", but because I feel betrayed. I feel sorry for myself because I saw this a mile away. I knew he loved her in April, why didn't I confront him then? I wasn't strong enough. I need thicker skin. Apparently bitches are the ones who wind up with men chasing after them. This girl has him whipped. My ex's girl had him whipped. Why don't I have that ability? I don't want to whip you I just want you to need me and no other woman...

This is my release. Expect more for a couple of months.

Wow it's been a while...

2010-04-22T15:53:00.000-07:00

Hey!

Not much is going on, well, a lot is going on at the same time.

I've been working as an administrative assistant...I start this census job next week and I begin my personal assistant job in May. In addition to that I will be walking across that beautiful stage to receive my DEGREE May 17th!

Love life is a little nonexistent
Lust life is always on full, lol....
Sex life...lets not talk about that :)

I'll be 23 in about a month...I swear these years just seem to float on by....

My new favorite song

2010-01-10T17:31:00.000-08:00

Just one of those days...

2010-01-08T17:07:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year

2010-01-02T08:05:00.000-08:00

Well it's a New Year, not too many "new" goals but mostly "working goals" as I like to call them

Get my drivers license
Healthier lifestyle-Physically, spiritually, and mentally
Stop using "lying" as a defense mechanism.
Trust more
Open up more
Stand my ground and lose the weakness

I've just been a little agitated about things lately. I feel like certain relationships are falling apart and part of me doesn't even care anymore. I want people to leave me alone and/or be real with themselves in addition to me. I'm tired of dealing with people that I can never get a straight answer out of. People that don't confirm or deny or state their own opinion or lack logic in their opinions thus making themselves look like jackasses. Ugh it's so frustrating. I should just keep to myself and get ghost for a while....a long while...

SMMFH

2009-11-10T10:19:00.000-08:00

Sometimes life throws situations at you as tests of judgement, confidence, common sense, devotion, all sorts of things. I feel like I'm being tested this week.

I'm trying to grow up and realize everything isn't about me at the same time bringing my self confidence and esteem up but it seems like whenever I get a nice grasp of something something else knocks me off my feet. I should be stronger, I should be more stable but when you feel like the something is big enough to shake you up you start self doubting.

I'm going through a situation right now that I am NOT happy about. Someone I care about is off galavanting across the seas with someone he used to be intimate with. Sounds crazy eh? Yeah how do you think I feel? There are a few minor details as to why he's at where he's at but I'm not getting into all that. I try to rationalize the situation "Well if I had the opportunity to travel abroad, even if it was with an ex and his parents, I'd go." or "I wouldn't let anyone stop me from experiencing maybe a once in a lifetime thing" or "Maybe he's just fulfilling a financial obligation and might as well go". All that may be good and true but it doesn't excuse the fact that it's with someone they used to be intimate with and is going to have ample alone time with. AMPLE and Im sure after 9pm folks aren't just going to go in recluse in their separate rooms until the next morning. I'd love to think so. I barely see you once a week and she's got you for 10 fuckin days alone?!? It makes me mad, it makes me jealous, it makes me unhappy. IN NO WAY am I jealous of her, (cute girl but I personally don't think she could hold a candle to me). I'm jealous of the time that she's stealing away from me. And I've YET to receive an apology for putting me in this position. I truly love this person and I'm not quite sure if he understands how I'm feeling. All I can say is put yourself IN MY SHOES. With all things taken into account, put yourself in my shoes. We don't have many problems but the issue that I see constantly reoccuring is her and I don't know why. Is it a sign? I keep praying and asking God to show me things and when things like this happen it feels like he is.

I told him to let her know from jump what this is between us and he said he'd go along with it. But I've also come to learn that low key he doesn't like confrontation and would rather have everyonoe happy. Which is a good and bad thing. I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it because I know in the end things will reveal themselves to me. I just hope he has his heart and head in the correct place and I trust that he does....I just don't trust hefers. But ultimately the decision on how he decides to conduct himself/react is his and honestly whether he tells the truth or lies I wont know cus I wasn't there.

These are concerns any other female or male in my position would have whether or not they did trust their mate. He could have gone on a trip like this with anyone, any of his homeboys or other homegirls and I honestly would be soooo much more at ease. It's just her. She's like poison in my love soup. Thinking about her literally makes my stomach curddle like I'm going to vomit. It's funny how you can not even meet someone and not like them. Nothing personal I can't help it I'm territorial. And I swear if he doesn't let her know what's up like I asked, I will, and will have no qualms about it. I fight for what love and feel invested in and I feel after this week there are going to be some deeeeeeep discussions...

Updizzle!

2009-09-25T11:46:00.001-07:00

*UPDATE*

My hair looks great.

I'm still foine. lmao

Got an internship.

Graduating in December!

Moving back to Brooklyn in December :(

A better, longer blog coming soon :)

EVERYBODY SETTLES...really.

2009-07-30T19:08:00.000-07:00

But is it such a bad thing?

You've heard the the saying "never settle for less because you'll get less than what you deserve" but I've learned through all of my experiences of dealing with people that settling sometimes happens because of the stipulations of your situation(s). And it's not always a bad thing, it can hurt sometimes, it can bug you, but a person can only decide what they'll deal with and how far they'll take a situation. Sometimes things are a little out of ones control, some things can't be helped (i.e. a baby daddy/momma or ex-wife/husband). But at the same time people like to use the term "compromise" synonymously with "settle" and they are absolutely two different things. One has more of a positive connotation while the other usually is usually associated with a negative one, some seem to think that because they are compromising that they are settling, but I digress...

When I think about my future and the future of people and relationships it can be a little disheartening sometimes. I don't know if it's the OCS (Only Child Syndrome) in me but sometimes I pride myself on being first, feeling that I'm special/making others feel special and/or even sharing certain special moments with people just to say it was our first time experiencing something together. But at the end of the day one has to think realistically. Some of my girlfriends and I often talk about the state of marriage and how it's going out of style and that because of shacking up, people just sleeping with others for the hell of it, and/or children born out of wedlock, that that special union between people is a bit…..tainted. I personally would love to be someones first fiancee, someone’s first wife, and the first (and only) mother of a man’s children, I think it's most girls dream, but I believe the odds of that are a bit slim to none because of the reasons stated above. And no, I'm not saying that just because a person is associated with said reasons that they are less than or unworthy of love. I'm quite aware that all people have some kind of baggage which may not be attractive to other folk. Once again I digress. lol so for question's sakeI just wanna know if I wasn’t the first, would I be settling for less than what I feel I deserve or am I just a victim of circumstance? How much does it matter? DOES it matter? Who decides which values one possesses are considered as settling or compromising?

He will be missed

2009-07-07T13:55:00.001-07:00

So as I'm sitting here all choked up over the Michael Jackson memorial service I can't help but think, wow, this man is truly the greatest! I truly believe God chooses people, special people, to fulfill some type of destiny and I believe MJ was one of them. Throughout his upbringing, his stardom, trials/tribulations and overall greatness MJ never failed to do what he was brought on this earth to do; to spread love, unity and joy to open hearts.

When his brothers came out carrying his casket to the hymn of "Soon and very soon we are going to see the king....", wearing those sequence gloves, it was heart wrenching.

Brooke Shields personal account of her friendship with him, Jermaine singing his favorite song, Smile. All done very beautifully.

When his daughter, Paris Michael Katherine Jackson, spoke her words at the end, even more heart wrenching. Yes, the frog in my throat turned into a tear. The camera kept panning over to the silver casket throughout the memorial and all I could say was "Damn Mike..." and shake my head. This is really saddening but I will *Smile*. I will smile because I think MJ had some kind of connection with anyone and everyone who loves music, can love and live for peace.

My heart goes out. Rest in peace Michael Joseph Jackson :)

I Miss My Wave

2009-07-02T08:57:00.000-07:00

Broken Glass 7/2/2009

What is the beach without an ocean?
Nothing but a dried up mass of broken glass.
That at some point in time, somewhere, was whole.

You come in and out of my life
Like the waves crashing upon the shore
You give a little bit.
You take a little bit.

You give me love, comfort, security
You take away my insecurities, pain, loneliness

Now usually my sand is loose
light and free.
Easily picked up by wind, going where ever it takes me.
But the closer I get to the shore I turn dense,
hard to dig through,
I guess it's the way sand protects itself from the waves...

But every time you come you still manage to take me away with you.
Every time you crash upon my shore you seem to smooth me out
You fill holes created by those who have stepped upon me
You wash away the rocks and shells that seem to bury themselves in me
You hydrate my otherwise dried up bank
And I wouldn't have it any other way.

You're so lonely out there miles away from the shore
And I'm so lifeless and dull on the other side of my berm
But together we dance, we play.
When the sun is shining upon us at day break from the horizon, we glisten.
The sun reflects on you, and you mixed with the sun makes my sand shimmer
All of that broken glass shimmers.

:)

2009-06-30T12:50:00.000-07:00

"Blue Skyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy." Wide the hell open, lmao.

Heavy Rotation

2009-06-30T09:11:00.000-07:00

After talking to my mom yesterday I'm feeling a little better today. Some of the best advice I've ever gotten from her "Snap out of it!" lol.

Anywho last week or I received a pole dancing tutorial. It never really intrigued me before but after this lady showed me some things it was pretty fun (except for the sore thighs and arms, what a workout!) Funny thing is I didn't really feel sexy while I was doing it, it was more of a workout if anything, took me back to the days in gym class where you had to climb the rope. Me, not so much, I have very little upper body strength lol. Who thought of stripper poles anyways btw? Gotta look that one up.....

Is it me or was yesterday's weather feeling really good? This morning also was feeling a little cool.

I had a bad day in my french class today. I could not seem to concentrate for some reason. Speaking it I was fine but writing it.....ugh just couldn't seem to get my tenses and grammar in check. I guess the professor noticed my frustration because he asked me if everything was alright. I wanted to say hell no I had a hell of a weekend but I just said yeah I was fine. I should stop wearing my emotions on my sleeve, doesn't do anything but leave you embarrassed.

In heavy rotation in my Playlist:
Just Good Friends - Michael Jackson
Free Yourself - Fantasia
Never Can Say Goodbye - Michael Jackson/Gloria Gaynor
No One Gets the Prize - Diana Ross
Can't We Try - Teddy Pendergrass
I'd Rather - Luther Vandross
Ex Factor - Lauryn Hill
Take a Bow - Madonna
If My Heart Could Sing - Marvin Gaye
When Your Lover has Gone - Marvin Gaye
I Miss You So - Diana Krall
Officially Missing you -Tamia
I Get So Lonely - Janet Jackson
Unbreak My Heart - Toni Braxton
Can You Stop the Rain - Peabo Bryson

Pain doesn't last forever but...

2009-06-29T16:59:00.000-07:00

*Takes a deep breath*

I'm really hurting right now, in case that wasn't conveyed.

Yes I had to come back for the second post in one day. Thanks for reading.

And the winner is...

2009-06-29T01:22:00.000-07:00

Me!

Yes, I've won a new outlook on life, love, and people. And let me tell you, the shit aint pretty. But it's ok, I'm just going to stop being nice, caring about peoples feelings and start taking someones advice which was to "do me". Whatever the fck that means. Ah well, I guess I'll find out. You only live once right? No need in tip toeing, explaining or beatin around the bush. I'll let folk think whatever the hell they want and I guess I'll "flirt" til my little fckin heart is content and play football with my shit load of guy friends. *rolling my eyes* fck outa here...One of the most valuable lessons I've learned is to keep my damn mouth shut. People tend to ask you questions about your past/present/future that they really don't want to know the answers to...or they want to know the answers to but know they can't handle it and judge you off of that. Or they pick and choose what they want to judge you off of either way from now on I'm keeping my mouth shut and I will only answer all questions pertaining to "the way I live my life" with "It's none of your damn business." How's that for being secretive?

I made a mistake a long time ago, I started fuckin with a situation that I should have probably left dead a long time ago. Indecisiveness, womped love triangle, whatever you wanna call it, that was it and as much as my unrelenting love had a big part to play with it, it kinda makes you want to say "what's love got to do with it?" Esp. when you're really hurting inside...your head just gets so cloudy and the emotions and feelings that you never thought you could feel so strongly for one person takes over and it's like a 24hr high on some strong ass shit. It makes you want to and/or go against your morals, it makes you try to justify an unjustifiable situation when all you really have to do is open your eyes and see shit for what it is, the real shit. Too many folks are indecisive and too many people have too much love to give. I don't regret anything, everything is a learning experience was upset at first but now I'm beginning to be angry. To feel like my character is being attacked and have my card pulled when I know for a fact that aint NO ONE a saint. That's fcked up. That's what hurts. I know I'm a good person and I don't mistreat anyone. I was always taught to attack the issue not the person....

I'm just so frustrated and flustered right now I can't even get my thoughts straight. I just know that I feel very numb inside, very misunderstood and very sad because I know that I try my best to make people happy, to make people feel good, and to make people smile. I feel sick to my stomach, like I want to vomit. I want to cry but I have no tears left. I want to scream but I have a frog in my throat. I want to throw, smash, hit, kick, and destroy something but my body feels paralyzed. I think love is the real kryptonite.

There's a method to my mayhem

2009-06-21T09:13:00.000-07:00

Update: Had a lot of fun at Birthday Bash last night, oh ATL you know how to show your ass, literally lol

To an extent I reeeally like spending time by myself. I get to talk to myself, do weird things, sing, and dance without being judged. My creative juices start to flow and I don’t feel stifled. I have some of my best moments when I’m alone; I also have some of my worst. I think about what I want to do, where I want to go and who I want to be...and be with. I bet to some I may seem shallow in thought, nonchalant, nonsensical even. But I am always, I repeat, ALWAYS thinking, observing, watching... My mind ticks and tocks like a clock and I know what time it is. Even when it looks like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing I always have a plan, "I got this" as my mom would say. (I’ll find a way or make one—School Motto). I may not always speak about the most important things in comparison to the other things but I know where my priorities are... With that said I’m going to be making a lot of changes in my life within these next few months and I’m prepared, I just hope those around me are.

Do you know what today is?

2009-05-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

It's my birthday. I am now 22.

Ok that's enough of that, enjoy your day because I know I will!

"My heart is cryin, cryin, lonely teardrops..."

2009-05-19T13:40:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been in a bit of a slump. I thought it was because Aunt Flow had recently came into town, making an already emotional person a blubbering fool but I think it's more than that. Well I admit I am a little depressed about not graduating yesterday, even though I know I'm not prepared for life after graduation it puts a little bit of self doubt in me (I'll elaborate later). I have a few friends still in Atlanta that can hang out with but I still feel lonely, I know I'm not alone, and I guess I should be used to it by now after basically being a latchkey kid but I guess I'm at that point in my life where I really need a certain level of support, understanding and yes affection.

When I say I feel lonely it's mainly because I feel like everyone else is doing their own things, have other MAJOR obligations, or I'm just slowly losing certain connections(family, friends...): My mom is in a completely different state and we talk sometimes but it's nothing like spending time with her. I haven't spoken to my real father in 4 years. I haven't seen my step dad (who raised me) in about 2 years, we speak sometimes. My cousin who I got really close to in NY now has a baby so she's busy with that and we never really get to see each other because I'm in school. My guy cousin, who is like my brother, never calls me, I have no way to contact him and it hurts because I feel like he's my heart. I have 3 best girl-friends, one is in another state raising her beautiful daughter (my bookie #2), one is just always at home or has some type of drama going on and is never on campus and the other just always works so we don't get to see each other often (though we did just go on a trip this past weekend). I have an Aunt I speak with just about every morning and she keeps me grounded. A few guy friends but I don't think they even understand me all the time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to have everyone's lives revolve around me, at all, but sometime it feels like NOTHING ever concerns me or I'm last when it comes to anything or that I just have a bunch of shallow connections with people. I find myself just sitting in my room by myself just thinking...or reading or watching tv or staring aimlessly out my window thinking about the things that make me happy. Silly to say but it makes me feel safe to be by myself sometimes, like if I keep to myself nothing can disturb the little bit of sanity I have left, no one can piss me off and make me show my ugly side, no one can disappoint or hurt me and at the same time I guess that's why I'm feeling lonely. I know part of me is guarded, very guarded and there are only a few people that I let my wall down for and it almost feels bittersweet when I do, like I'm living in a fantasy, that it feels so good to just be wide open....but at the same time it's not always so easy. I've noticed that when good things come my way it's only for a short period of time and being the emotional person I am I soak up as much of it as I can before POOF! like the wind it's gone. So now instead of getting too excited about things I just take it as it comes. I'm trying to find a hobby, working out used to be it but I've slacked a little bit, I should probably start again, soon, lol.

As far as support, I feel as though I am my own support system, and I'm not talking in a financial sense. Just generally, I pat myself of the back all the time to keep my spirits up...and it's starting to give me a complex. I guess I miss those days where you brought home an A on a test and your mom put it on the fridge. I like that feeling, like what you did or accomplished matters. I'm in school but sometimes it feels like it doesn't matter to anyone...but myself, which upsets me because I'm not doing this just for myself. I can't help that I like to get super excited about what I'm doing, thing is when other people aren't excited it kind of puts a damper on my parade. Shit, I didn't have to go to college, I'm the kind of person that could have non profit organizations for the rest of my life and live within my means, but I chose to do this so that maybe one day I can be an inspiration to my little cousins or be well enough to be able to pay their tuition...and my mother wouldn't have had it any other way....

I didn't have any real way to end this blog, it was just a bunch of stuff going through my mind...as usual.

Panama City Beach, Florida 2009

2009-05-18T07:50:00.000-07:00

So one of my best friends, I and her coworker decided to take a little weekend road trip to Panama City. Had a lot of fun, did a lot of thinking, a lot of decision making, a lot of tanning (yes, black folk tan), a lot of eating and a lot of drinking, lol.

Got to the beach aroun 4 so it wasn't quite as sunny
Saturday morn

Squinting; the sun mixed with the white sand made it very bright

Jet ski that my bestie and I FELL OFF, never let a newbie drive, lol we had fun though

Resort we stayed at

View from our balcony
around 4

Short trip, even shorter blog, enjoy your day!

Pt. 2 THEY be on that bullshit!!

2009-04-09T18:01:00.000-07:00

So I just got back from an Omega probate (three of my friends just crossed) to show my support only to come home utterly pissed off and disgusted by the male species. I'm standing about 5'2 and this big fat ass Omega about 5'11 230 stands directly in front of me while the other Que's knelt down for the bystanders to see. So he asks a girl next to me (who isn't standing behind him) if she can see, she says yes. I quipped and said "No!" playfully (all smiles and giggles) and he slightly moves to the side, only enough for me to see another side of his thick neck. So he moves a teeny bit again and I'm thinking ok whatever dude, I know ya ass aint gonna move so stop fuckin with me.

So I say "Ya know what, you good, I can see."

He replies with a smirk "I know I'm good, I'm trying to see if you can see."

I let out a chuckle and say again "Yeah, you straight! I can see."

He replies again (trying to be facetious) "Yeah I know I'm straight I'm tryna see if you can see."

If he hadn't gotten by then that I was trying to say he didn't have to move anymore he's dumb as hell...or just trying to be funny. I wasn't in the mood for funny because one, they smelled really bad and I hate funny smells, and two he seemed a little tipsy.

So not 5 minutes later he manages to stand right in my viewing space and I let out a huge sigh and suck my teeth (horrible I know, I couldn't help it) and he turns around and mumbles something.

"What?" I ask

"See, you not even payin attention to the probate, I asked if you could see?"

"Oh, I am paying attention, but you talking jilted my attention.(Then I thought to myself, does he know what jilted means?). But yes, I can see (looking around his huge mass of a body)...now."

"Oh, you tryin to see which Que you gonna f*ck tonight?"

It took 3 seconds for what he said to register to me and the first thing I thought was WTF. The first thing I said was...

"What the f*ck!? WHAT?!"

"You tryin to see which Que you tryna f*ck tonight?"

This man looked in his early 40's.

Now there are about 7 females surrounding me all lookin at him (along with myself) with the stink face. Needless to say I WENT OFF. Some F bombs here and there, a few other expletives to convey how I was truly feeling at that moment and letting him know I could give a damn about some letters. You don't speak to a woman like that. Point blank period. Esp. a female you don't know. I don't know if he felt so compelled to speak to me in that manner because he thought I was some Omega groupie like some of the others in the vicinity or what but he was messin with the wrong one. I don't play that shit. All he could say was,

"...See that's why you're not Greek." and stood right back in front of me. Aww.

Oh yeah did I mention I had 3 friends that were probating?! Yeah so I cleared my vocal chords and commenced to screaming out their names and other congratulatory phrases. Yes while he was standing directly in front of me, he eventually moved. My bad. ;)

And if that's what it means to be Greek, to put up with bullshit n thangs, you're right, that's EXACTLY why I'm not Greek.

Special Request

2009-04-06T12:49:00.000-07:00

L'homme de Chocolat 4/6/09

The Chocolate Man
There he stands
Looking at me in all my glam
He smells so sweet,
Proper tone, erect stance
Gleaming eyes that make my heart prance.

The Chocolate Man
Can I have a chance,
To make your toes curl
And your eyebrows dance?
As you've done mine, many a time
Got me feeling...so sublime

The Chocolate Man
And the Chocolate girl
Giving those sheets a healthy whirl
He gives, she takes
He takes, she gives
All the more so this lust can live...

Merci de votre amitié :)

If seeking my own sanity is a crime...

2009-03-16T11:56:00.000-07:00

LOCK ME UP!

I've realized lately that the reason why I can't move on and open myself to new things (specifically guys) is because I haven't quite closed out a chapter in my life. Not too many things hurt me but when I feel misunderstood or that my intentions are misconstrued I get very upset.

I've only been IN love once in my life and I think what hurts more than not being able to be with that person is feeling like they don't understand why I can't be their friend...at least not now. Maybe I didn't express myself clear enough but it's like dangling a carrot in front of a horses face. You can't talk to them because it reminds you of all the late night chats you used to have. You can't be around them because the temptation is too strong...and it's not like you're just trying to be an ass for the sake of ass-dom but it's hard. So hard to the point that you just want to scream "DON'T YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO KNOW THAT I'M NOT GOING TO BE WITH YOU PROBABLY EVER AGAIN?! I STILL FEEL IN MY HEART THAT YOU'RE MY SOULMATE"....one can say next lifetime all they want but deep down inside if one is in love with someone else chances are shit aint gonna happen on this end. So to still want to be friends in my eyes is out of the question or at least until I find someone else to occupy my time. But even that's hard to do when there are constant reminders of a love lost. It's kinda like a D or F on your transcript, no matter how many more A's you get, you're GPA doesn't move up too much until that D or F is completely removed...can't travel light with dead weight.

I feel like a babbling fool right now so for ya'll's own sanity I'm going to stop. lol

But I just want to say one more thing, despite whatever has happened and no matter how I may feel, there is always going to be a special place in my heart for you, never forget that. I just need time to heal.

Recap

2009-03-12T10:33:00.001-07:00

OK we need to catch up! :)

Actually quite a bit happened in February, it was quite interesting, at least to me.

I went to the Inauguration, had so much fun. I really love being with my family, we make EVERYTHING a family affair.

Around 3:00am at the Springfield train station in VA on our way to the Capitol!

Around 5:30am

The crowd behind us. The atmosphere was crazy!

My auntie and I huddled together. It was brick!

At the end, if we looked up we could see Bush flying away in his helicopter.

Got laid off :/ and what sucks is that it wasn't our fault. We had a high shrink therefore out inventory was some crap! The hood got us fired man...

I'm doing very well so far in my classes this semester. I'm praying for Dec 2009!

I've been going out a lot more, which is cool but can get kinda old kinda quick. Still fun though.

At some lounge lol...

I'm a God Mommy now, lol. One of my best friends had a baby and shes so fatnsweet I can't wait to see her!

More to come, I gotta go workout before I get too lazy today....

20 Random Facts About Moi

2009-01-10T19:36:00.000-08:00

My bad, Happy New Year.

Though there isn't much that's new right now hmm...inventory at my job is coming up, lol, borrring. Classes start next week, good, it's time to get this show on the road. Though I'm really confused about what I want to do after I graduate and it's starting to get scary. I'm thinkin about the peace corps...seriously...

There actually has been a lot on my mind lately and it's hard to sort everything out because it's so jumbled up, I'll elaborate soon.

Confession: I've visited McDonalds one too many times this week. I'm a sucker for apple pie and chicken nuggets, :/ lol I swear they put crack in them!

Confession #2: Although I feel healthier I thought that by losing weight I'd be happier, the truth is I don't know if I am.

So here's a fun chain letter thingy that's floating around FB and I thought I'd post it with a little editing of course!

20 RANDOM FACTS:

1) I drink ice cold tap water from a mason jar when I'm back home in NC. lol

2) It wouldn't behoove anyone to lie to me because the truth always reveals itself to me whether they know it or not.

3) It really irritates me when people aren't mindful of my time or space, that's definitely a make or breaker.

4) I am the "best worst" procrastinator when it comes to school, lol...sheeyit it may not get done when wanted, but it's always on time.

5) Dottie Peoples is my favorite gospel artist. Angela Bassett my favorite actress. Tom Hanks is my favorite actor. Spike Lee is my favorite producer/director.

6) I love love love 60's rock/psychedelic music and 80's soft rock.

7) I think tattoos and body piercings are cool.

8) My favorite song is It's Raining Men.

9) I’m very open minded, understanding and I don’t judge. I’m not very petty nor do I like confrontation.

10) I love NCIS, Law&Order:SVU, and reality TV, I know most of it isn't real but who doesn't enjoy mindless entertainment from time to time?!?

11) One day I’m going to disappear to an island where no one can find me and lay on the beach all day watching the sunset while sipping my Corona Light listening to Carlos Santana, Peter Frampton and Jimmy Buffett.

12) I believe in love but with the state of relationships nowadays and marriage looking bleak I'm starting to think it wont happen for me...and I'm actually ok with that.

13) I have all the symptoms of the OCS (Only Child Syndrome).

14) I want to do competition Latin ballroom dancing…and I will one day. And body building when I'm like 45, the sexy lean kind, not the BIG muscles.

15) I'm related to Busta Rythmes, Michael Jordan and Thelonious Monk.

16) I'd love to have sex with a blindfold on both of us.

17) I kinda don’t know how to drive.

18) I secretly wish that someone would knock on my front door and just kidnap me for the day. No call, no warning, just take me...*sigh* :}

19) I wish I had more female friends.

20) I love pineapples and pomegranates., lmao...that one is for you T.

What I'm dealing with pt 1

2008-12-08T11:38:00.000-08:00

Well onto a favorite subject of mine, sex, yesss!

Why is it so consuming?
I'd rather have sex right now than eat...but why? lol...

I've been in a bit of a drought for the past 4 months and it's been extremely difficult, well at least the last 2 months. I mean drought from everything, there's no one that I'm physically involved with or emotionally invested in at the moment, and for good reason! It's hard to go from getting it on the regular to quitting cold turkey; voluntarily and involuntary, mainly because I know I will not climax if I don't have some sort of connection with the man and involuntarily because...well I have no prospects really, lol. I wake up in the morning clenching my thighs together because a certain organ wont stop throbbing! Squeezing them together only makes the situation worse because I can feel my pearl rubbing up against my VHP. During the day I'm surrounded by beautiful, good smelling, black men who I fantasize about but at work I'm surrounded by too many damn women (the estrogen is stifling thus making my craving for testosterone even more intense). I finally get home (occupied by yes,three women other than myself) only to take a shower...alone...get in my bed to either toss and turn all night, battle with the idea of playin with the kat or somehow slip into an extremely erotic dream where I'm usually awoken by my own moans or the wetness that's left its' mark on my sheets.

Now I thought I had a cure for each issue presented but they've only left me embarrassed or in worse condition than where I started....

The insomnia-- usually when I sleep next to someone it helps me fall asleep so I'll invite a platonic homeboy over, we'll fall sleep but I notice whenever I do that the wet dreams come and wind up involving whoever I'm sleeping next to and I wind up startling them with involuntary movements or sounds, ahem, OR, they'll snore and I'll still get no sleep.
End result: Horny and wide awake still!

Petting the kitty-- just makes me insatiable, it's never enough and I get the urge to call someone who I know can please me to finish the job, only problem with that is the only men that know how are my ex's (big no-no!). So I'd just rather not do it.
End result: Horny and reminiscing about past escapades with the ex's (the good and the bad ugh!)

Ok, I can't really control the dreams I have so I just try to wake myself up...
End result: Doesn't work!

SO I've tried to occupy my time with other activities, homework, lol, working out, eating, mindlessly watching TV, excessive cleaning, texting, meditating, chiefing, lol...they still don't get my endorphins working like a good ol romp in the sheets will..

I just think it would be so nice to come home, take a nice hot shower with someone, have them rub me down with some Shea butter (and you know that shit is thick so it just might wind up being a mini massage ;)). A lil cunnilingus here, a lil fellatio there and some slow stroking to top it off, mmmmm...

or

Just rip my clothes off, pin me down and &^%)#* me like you're mad at me! I'm serious, just down right nasty and raunchy (Sometimes a female needs to be reminded that she is a woman!) hmmm...or on some Way of a Man with a Maid type of play...

In addition to that size does matter, it NEEDS to fit like a glove, there's something about having all your walls touched at the same time that drives a gal crazy....

I know, I know, a hot mess I am, but hey, I feel like expressing myself.

And now for a cold shower.

Gettin the bullsh!t out the way...

2008-11-30T16:41:00.000-08:00

Just some things I've been wanting to say for a very long time....

*I got advised and will hopefully *fingers crossed* be done in the fall!

*I'm realizing I'm not completely over a certain situation that I thought I was, but oh well, I'll just have to deal with it. I indeed miss you very much and like I said before I just can't help it...

*Confession: I feel as though I think more logically than a lot of my peers...

*150!!!!!!

*...On the other hand I'm still pissed because I felt like someone didn't fight for me, for us, for what we could have had...it could have been so beautiful. Even though I was upset about some things at the time we still could have talked it out especially when you told me how you felt a certain way about me...but that lets me know a lot about the situation, maybe your heart really wasn't in it, infatuation is a bitch, it might actually make person think they're in love....but I will never understand why it was always so easy for you to go back to...oh wait, maybe it's that love thing again...

*I find passive-aggressive people very attractive.

*Why do I have to be the one to grit my teeth and just deal? I want to be obnoxious sometimes, I want to get triflin sometimes, I want to scream and shout and break things and say FUCK YOU, YOU FUCK-ASS NIGGA!, I want to whoop some people's asses sometimes.......but instead I chuckle, shake my head and :)

*That last one (^) felt really good.

*My vices replace each other...I have 5.

*I'm realizing how much I don't like the winter, it's cold and gloomy outside and all I want to do is cuddle up next to someone in a very warm dimly lit room and fall asleep. But it's funny to me how I always seem to be involved with someone during the spring/summer seasons but never the fall/winter and that's when I want to huggle the most. So on top of being freezing, you have cold sheets (lol), a low sex drive/no prospects, finals, "friends" or should I say frenemies, and a job that keeps cutting your hours.

*I think I have a problem with run-on sentences.

*But, I have my health, a loving family, a couple true friends and December 2009/May 2010 to look forward to.

*And I think I may also have a problem with starting sentences with conjunctions.

*Cunt is my favorite word.

[Untitled]

2008-10-28T05:46:00.000-07:00

I received a call this morning that my great grandma of 94 years passed away. It hurts a lot but I know that she's home now. I'm just happy that I got to see her this far into my like but it's crazy to me because it feels like it was just yesterday that I was a little girl and she was teaching me how to crochet. Unfortunately I wont be able to go to her funeral because of lack of funds, it sucks but I guess I have to deal with it. The day before I moved to Atlanta to start undergrad in 2005 my great aunt, her sister, passed away and that was very hard to deal with also (I didn't get to go to her funeral either). But now knowing that they're together is comforting. So whenever you get a chance please say a little prayer for my family and I, Thanks.

Things that make you go ugh!

2008-10-09T15:57:00.000-07:00

OK so I have 8am classes all week long and Tuesday/Thursday are my longest days 8am-4:20pm. I had an exam today that I know I at least got a B on (physiological psych aint no ho!) and finally wound up in my last class of the day. Now, this week is a bit stressful for me because I haven't had a lot of sleep (insomnia's a biatch), a ton of studying to do, maad assignments, and I'm still a little pissed because my job had to cut payroll by 35% so I have no hours at all this week! (I had planned on saving a lil $ so I could go to this Camp Lo concert on the 18th but it looks like that's not happening...) So yeah I've been a little irritable all week on top of unnecessary drama from other sources...got in my last class, senior seminar and this dude put the icing on the cake...

We have portfolios' due before the end of the semester, that's what the class and professor agreed on "Get it into me just as soon as you can" says the professor. Cool, I can do that. So this damn fellow student of mine, always on his high horse, kinda narcissistic, pops up and says, "Can't we turn it in next Thursday?!" The class in a roar says "NOOOOOOOOO!" but since the professor is in the same frat I guess he sided with him and said "Ok, next Thursday it's due." Mind you no one's really worked on it, it's not hard but it's going to take some time, time that I didn't anticipate spending on it this week since I have other projects to do and exams to study for. Everyone cut their eyes at our fellow student, it was hilarious. "Man, I'm trying to get this done ya'll!" he says, the class is still in an uproar and you hear miscellaneous people saying "Whatever, then you turn it on on Thursday, damn!" "You fuckin it up for the rest of us man!". "And weren't you absent last week, wtf!" lol. It's funny now but damn, I'm not trying to do all this mess at once, my brain is fried, it's time to freakin graduate already, too bad I'll need an extra semester of this, ugh! I love my alma mater but damn, it's time to go! lol...

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind doing the work, it'll actually be very beneficial in the end but this new deadline...man...I need a shot.

Anywho, I worked out today and meditated. I'm praying for clarity to get this work done and peace of mind to not go off on anyone while in the process...

Pictures!

2008-10-06T19:12:00.000-07:00

Just a few photos...

My best friend and I hanging out for a friend's birthday.
My fellow bandmates and I enjoying homecoming!

One of my favorite homeboys and bandmates! Another favorite fellow bandmate!

Speaking of band, I must say we definitely blew Savannah State out the water! I haven't heard the band sound so good since I was last in it, lol, great job guys! I swear there is nothing like someone who can play an instrument...

The football team did well also, didn't win but did well 17-14.

On another note check out this video, I love this song! I also love Marvin...and Bobby Hebb, lol

Week 25!

2008-09-24T20:11:00.000-07:00

Yeah so this would make week 25 and I have been slacking a bit with the regimine but its not that bad because I do walk (MLK to West End Mall) to and from work at good pace and run around the store for a good 4-5 hours, lol. But, I have had one too many snacks this week and it shows, the tummy isn't as flat as it was 2 weeks ago (not that's it's ever been really flat but still, lol) they're right, sugar is the devil, haha...

OK so this isn't the BEST picture of my progress (mainly because I just ate and the picture angle sucks, excuses, I know, lol) but it is still a working progress! I'm going to sleep now, it's 11:20, waaay past my bedtime. Night!

Tales from the West End...

2008-09-22T05:15:00.001-07:00

Ok so on Saturday I had a fabulous day hanging out with my freshman dorm sister who's finally decided to come back and finish her matriculation at CAU. We decided to run to the West End mall to go to this bookstore (which I love by the way) and look up some holistic books and other's by Dr. Frances Cress Welsing, Na'im Akbar, and some others. We just had a very nice day with each other so before we left the mall we decided to sit in the parking lot and talk for a bit, now this is around 8pm. I want to say around 8:30 a man, mid to late 20's pulled up on the drivers side going to opposite direction and stopped right next to my friends car, we thought nothing of it. So about 15 minutes goes by, we're still talking and this man is still sitting there so then she asks me, "Tiff, what is this man doing? He keeps peaking over here."

"He's probably getting some head or rolling a blunt or something, it is the west end." We both laughed and then he opened his car door a little bit then closed it and then opened it again. My homegirl looks to the side and says "omg, Tiffany look!" I look over...

This man is jacking off! Just staring at us in our faces and jacking off! So I screamed at him, "WHAT THE F*CK ARE YOU DOING?!?!?!" He didn't say anything, just kept at it.

We were stunned and were kinda laughing is disbelief and looking around for mall security, of course there were none. None had came by during the hour we were sitting there. So I guess we caught the end of it because he nutted, wiped his hand off, closed his door and drove off, no tags or anything on his car. Nasty ass

I'm offended, what made him think we wanted to see that mess? I almost threw up in my mouth. But I'm not too mad because maybe he was abused as a child or something and doesn't know how to act because no one in their right mind...anyways I guess that was the low light of my weekend.

wtf....smh

Massa was in his quarters...

2008-09-17T08:16:00.000-07:00

...maybe that's why he seems so angry all the time....read on, lol...

The season is changing quickly and unfortunately I've become a little under the weather. So today I decided fck it, I'm going to student health to go get some medicine. Yesterday I woke up with a fever and my head has been pounding since I've woken up this morning, I keep getting these hot and cold flashes, sneezing, coughing, achy all over, and every time I yawn it feels like I'm about to fall the hell out or like my head is gonna explode, the whole 9. So of course when I go to student health I get the doctor which whom I can't stand he always has a bad attitude (for what I dunno), very sarcastic, and his tone is just awful.

So I sit in the office facing his, smile, ask him how he's doing and he replies, very cordial, I was actually surprised. He walks in the office that I'm in and all of a sudden he looks like he has an attitude and he starts rushing through procedure, before even asking me about my symptoms he says, "What test are you trying to get out of Ma'am? What class are you missing?" I'm just looking at him like wtf, so I told him my 8am but only because I was trying to get to student health early but they didn't open till 9. (I didn't want to miss my 8am, we have good convo's in class but I also wasn't trying t get anyone sick) I wasn't even asking for a doctors note or anything.

"What's wrong with you today Ma'am?" (black doctor by the way). I say few things and he proceeds to look at my throat, "Nothing is wrong with your throat ma'am."

He was just being very sarcastic, I wanted to scream, "Nigga I'm sick wtf is you talkin bout?!?" So he asked me about my symptoms and I explained them to him.

"Ma'am have you ever experienced these symptoms before?" I'm thinking uh yeah I know when I'm fckin sick, don't try to make me look stupid, I didn't come here to get diagnosed I came to get medicine. But all I said was yeah

"You have the common cold Ma'am" No shit Sherlock...

So the nurse goes to get me some Offset and throat lozenges and it's just me and him in the room so I try to make small talk to liven up the mood because it looks like he already doesn't want to be there so I said "Guess what Dr. ______?!?"

"What Ma'am?" If this mf says Ma'am one more time...

"Well remember when I was having issues with my cycle well I lost some weight to help it and I was 185 in March and now I'm about 165." Now, I'm expecting a "Well what have you been doing to lose the weight?"or a "Wow that's nice keep up he good work.", SOMETHING, but no, he says,

"Do you know you weigh almost as much as I do?" and cocks his head to the side.

Bastard, at this point I'm ret to go and that's when the nurse came back in and I just took the medicine and was like "Are we finished?" then I left.

See, this is part of the reason why Black folk don't visit doctors, you'd like to feel cared for comfortable and like the doctor actually is concerned about you, he's just always been cold as ice, since my freshman year after having him I've always asked to be scheduled with the other doctor because he just acts like a tight ass prick, like he has a chip on his shoulder or something or like he'd rather not be working here. That's the vibe he sends out and he does it so slick, it's almost funny and my female cohorts have said the same about him and have complained about him he needs to chill with that mess before I file a complaint on his ass...

Man I'm irritated, drowsy and hungy, but thanks for listening to my rant, lol...

Yeah it's been a minute...

2008-09-07T00:30:00.000-07:00

This is going to be very short there are just some things on my mind I need to get out...some may be a little random...

Due to a recent turn of events, new found information and various conversations I've had with the opposite sex I've come to the conclusion that monogamy is bullshit and I dare someone to dispute me on that.

Why say something you don't mean then get mad when someone questions you about it?

Time is so precious, try not to waste it, or others. It's highly irritating.

You know you're pissed off when your sex drive is non-existent or cringe at the thought of someone touching you.

Things could be so simple, it's the jackasses that fck it up for the rest of us.

A man will do anything is his power to show you he loves and cares about you before he even thinks of saying it. -- Courtesy of K.E.

I think men really enjoy hanging out with each other, I had some neighbors (guys) that stayed in each others faces everyday (at least 7), sounded like they were playing Madden and bumping 50cent just about everyday but all the hoopin and hollerin, jumpin around and hyping each other up was cute. I could feel the testosterone through the wall, lol.

BTW, no I have not given up on my exercising and stuff I actually went to the doctor a few days ago and checked my weight, are you ready people, drum roll please..........

166!

I was 185 back in March. None of my jeans fit anymore or my dress pants, they just fall off, literally, I've had to cut some extra holes in my belt, and my ass looks great!!! lmao...pictures coming soon...I mean not of my ass, lol...

If this aint birth control I don't know what is...

2008-07-12T06:43:00.000-07:00

So I had the pleasure this past week of tending to my cousins (8 goin on 9 and 4 goin on 5 both boys) and let me tell you, it was no joke. Ironing their clothes, damage control (making sure they're not tearin up the house), cooking for them (extremely picky eaters), making sure they're bathed and clothed, attitudes, definace, hissy fits, tears, playing UNO ten million times (oh and don't let one of them lose, all hell will break loose!), running around in circles, and all that is just before 10 o'clock!

Needless to say I love them with all my heart, I love the kisses and hugs and the I love you's. I taught the 4 year old how to say I love you in French so whenever I say "Je t'aime" he says "Je t'aime aussi!" (more like "juh tim ohsee"). Poor thing, I went out on a "date" last night and both of them were upset with me, pouting and blocking me from walking down the stairs. Around 5am the little one came into my room crying, half sleep, wiping his eyes, mumbling, "Tif-fa-ny can I sleep with you, I had a bad dream..." Funny thing is I was having a bad dream until he woke me up so I was like hell yeah! lol until like 6am when I heard him snoring like bear and I kicked him out, lol...he'll be aight.

They are a handful but these two are my heart and I can't wait to see what young men they will grow into.

The Run Down! Pt. 2

2008-07-07T12:21:00.001-07:00

Grandma fryin it up!

me...drankin, lol

momma dancin
Auntie (pink)
Mom sippin the margarita I made her
Aunties (white and apron), cousin (male) Family friend (colorful dress)

My Aunties BBQ'in
"Big and Tasty"
See, it's the women in my family who run things!

mmmmmm

Cleanin as we go!

The "bar" lol
My Momma and I, I love this lady!

Relaxing

The Run Down!

2008-07-05T07:26:00.002-07:00

What: 4th of July Weekend Family Bash Weekend
Where: Jaksonville, NC
The food:
DAY 1: Chicken legs, chicken thighs, chicken quarters, brat, hotdogs, BBQ pork ribs, beef riblets, potatoe salad, corn OTC, red beans and rice, peach cobbler...I lost track of how much food we had, lol, but it could definitely feed about 2 football teams...twice, lol.

DAY 2: Seafood soiree!!! Shrimp, fish, and all of the above! lol

Liquid Sin: Grey Goose, Jose Cuervo, Bacardi Gold, Smirnoff Vodka, all kinds of soda and juices to mix with, peanuts, party mix, limes, Heineken, Corona, Guiness, Bud light

All I can say is YUM!!!!!! I love my family!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAUTION: Objects in camera are BIGGER than they appear...

2008-06-22T07:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, so for some reason this past week has been a little tough for me, probably because I've been in a bit of a funky mood but still I persisted. I showed my face at the SBC (summer band camp) for the high school kids held by us, the Mighty Marching Panthers, C-A.....U!!! lol and it was so fun to see kids (black kids) so talented and passionate about something, especially my first love, music.

OK so I was taking pictures this morning of my progress and I realized that the camera does put on extra pounds, I was looking at the screen of the camcorder and then I looked at the mirror and it looked very different, which I was actually sort of happy about...

I went to this sports bar called Barley's last night, had a Blue Muthafucka and GreyG with Cranberry juice, yeah I'm paying for it right now cus my stomach is killing me, lol, today just might be my "off day" for exercising...

Anywho, one of my good friends came back into town whom I haven't seen since before graduation. I didn't realize until I saw her how much I missed her, love ya *Dawn*

The Bold and the Beautiful...

2008-06-15T08:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, the theme of this past week....Get BOLD. It's been a while since I've been able to muster up the strength to put on a bathing suit, let alone a bikini *Screams* but I put it on and uhm, yeah, to whoever is reading this, this is very bold of me to do...lol...(my apologies for the blurriness/darkness, my camcorder is so sensitive to movement, every time I press the button for a picture to be taken the whole camera wobbles, lol)

Taken this mornin, entering Week 11....

Yeah, so I'm still battling the bulge but I've always been a little hip-y and my tummy has never in my life been flat but these pictures give me hope. I just feel so energetic and I've been sleeping a lot better at night. My goal was to be about 2/3 less of this size by the time fall rolls around and I think I can do it, no I know I can. But I am so NOT putting up the pictures from 10 weeks ago, I'm not EVEN going to embarrass myself, at least not now lets look to the future not the past, lol.

Speaking of getting bold, I knew this guy that was on the brink of stalker-ville and when I told him I didn't want to be bothered with him can you believe this n*gga FLIPPED OUT!?! All kinds of expletives, lol....so I told him to stop calling/texting me because it was harassment "No it's not", he says. "Yes it is, the police told me so", I say. Yeah he b*tched up right after that. lol...everything is cool now.

End of week 9, beginning of week 10!

2008-06-08T19:25:00.000-07:00

Well, I just got back from exercising and I'm a little tired but this past week was a pretty good one for me. I rested on Thursday and Saturday but made up for it today and it felt great.

Now, I hate running, absolutely hate it, but fortunately it works, lol. My thighs were a little sore earlier in the week from lunges but by tonight I was doing pretty good, I managed to lunge the whole field, back and forth and it felt so good to get it done.

So this week I've come to the conclusion that everything is mental, from getting the motivation to get up every morning to pushing myself beyond what my body thinks it can't do. While running I got really tired at one point, well at least my chest did, lol. But I realized that my legs were perfectly fine and hadn't given out yet, they burned but nothing unbearable so I started reapeating a mantra in my head, just motivating myself to push through that last stretch and it's worked, in addition to a little prayer (asking the man upstairs for strength physically and mentally). I'm actually really proud of myself for sticking to this and my body is actually respnding very well to all the changes that it's gone through these past weeks. At this point I'm not really as concerned about having the perfect bod more than I am being healthy, the results are just an added bonus to me!

I feel like I'm my own cheerleader but it's ok, it's fun! lol

Go Team Tiffany!!!

Oh yeah, I have been taking pictures of my progress but I'm not going to put them up just yet, soon my friends, soon...

Brooding

2008-06-07T20:07:00.000-07:00

So my eyes and my heart have been open to some wonderful things, and some not so wonderful, although I'm not about to put ALL my business on blast I can definitely say my outlook on a few situations is a lot different...I'm not much of a poet and I'm feeling a little empty right now, but the mood I'm in has lead me to this...

Head Heart Coordination 6/7/08

Ears to the door
Eyes to the floor
I can't take this anymore

Your heart is fleeting
My soul is bleeding
For me, what exactly do you have in store??

For your words rarely sparkle
My knees don't weaken
Actually they've gotten stronger...
From bearing the brunt of your burden

Butterflies have left my stomach...
Through my bowels,
Yep, you have that **"it" factor
That's for certain

Nothin' personal.

I love poetry, so colorful...lol

What's in a name...

2008-06-05T14:30:00.000-07:00

When I looked up Tiffany years ago I found it's the Medieval form of Theophania (there are various spellings of this). In addition I found:

1200 AD - "Tifinie" is used in Old French to mean "Epiphany." It derived from a similar Late Latin word which in turn came from the Greek "theophaneia," meaning an appearance or manifestation of God. ("Theo" = God, "phaneia" = appearance; the "phan..." element is related to such words as "phantom," "fantasy," and "fancy," but not to the "fan" in "fan club" or "fanzine," which is short for "fanatic," and is from a completely different etymological source.) A later French spelling is "Tiphanie."

Which is kind of interesting because my Mom's name, Angela, means messenger of God...even more interesting my real Father's name, Alwyn, (a variation of Alvin) means supernatural being...

And I usually don't do this but I had to jack it from RawDawgBuffalo, thanks! lol

What Tiffany Means

You are a seeker. You often find yourself restless - and you have a lot of questions about life.
You tend to travel often, to fairly random locations. You're most comfortable when you're far away from home.
You are quite passionate and easily tempted. Your impulses sometimes get you into trouble.

You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are loving, compassionate, and ruled by your feelings.
You are able to be a foundation for other people... but you still know how to have fun.
Sometimes your emotions weigh you down, but you generally feel free from them.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.
You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.
You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

This is pretty dead on if I do say so myself, though I think I have more of a Type B personality, and the last line, I've been trying to settle down since I was 10, lol.

Congratulations, it's a.....!!!!!

2008-06-04T09:39:00.000-07:00

I'm going to get a lot of slack for this but this is something that's been on my mind for a while and I can't hold it anymore!!!!! Pregnancy.

Now, I don't know if people are bored, lonely, horny, if it's a fad or if they really think they're ready for a child but I swear, they thought teenage pregnancy was on the rise, try "early twenties" pregnancy. Man, I want to say about 75% of the girls I graduated with from high school were either pregnant then, pregnant now or already has a 2-4 year old child. DON'T GET ME WRONG I truly believe children are blessings but damn, this isn't 1866, we do not have to wed early or bear children early so why now? Do they not want to live their young lives to the fullest?

How I see it, you have kids early and/or marry early and have kids right away you don't really get a chance to experience your own life by yourself and I believe it is absolutely necessary to enjoy time with yourself before you start devoting yourself to someone else...and a new family. Shoot, you don't even get to know your partner as well because you're so busy working to take care of your "new accessory". You spend your lives raising your kids and when they go off to college and get along with their own lives you're stuck in this house with a spouse whom you realize you really don't know, then you start calling for your kids to come home EVERY holiday possible, even St. Patricks Day, lol...ok, a little extreme, but hey, I've seen it happen...

Ok ok, some people do have connections and they do last a long time but they are few, far between and fantasy and divorce has steady been on the rise just as single parenting. Needless to say I want a husband who fathers our children.....not a baby daddy.

I figure an average person graduates high school, then undergrad for 4-5 years, then you maybe get an apartment by yourself to fully enjoy not living under your parents wing and providing for yourself, then however long grad school takes, then maybe a doctorate, THEN you finally get to dive into your profession and maybe in the middle of all this chaos you've had time for a relationship, and depending on if it's serious or not engagement and then marriage, time alone with your spouse and then kids once you're financially and mentally stable. Whew! That's a lot and adding kids into the equation really makes things interesting...

I don't think I'm so much as surprised at the pregnancies than I am the amount of people who aren't practicing safer sex. If you're clean, your partner is clean, there's some type of BC and it's monogamous, hey, get busy and have a healthy sex life! But I don't understand the being in the heat of the moment, you had an accident...maybe it wasn't an accident, maybe you trapped him, maybe he trapped you, hmmm...because those 15 minutes of bliss are going to have you jacked up! lol, I'm wilding out a little bit on this subject but it's the truth and you know it, c'mon it's 2008 geeze! That accident could come with a whole lot more than just a baby! I think my views on certain issues have definitely gotten more rigid as I've gotten older...

Some might say I'm being insensitive, some might say these words may come and bite me in the ass some day but shit, I'm tired of keeping quiet, I'm seeing A LOT of "accidents" and that shit isn't cool in my book, sorry. But I guess it's also not my issue either, eh? BUT to all the moms and dad's handling their business and the mommies to be, I wish you nothing but the greatest that life and your bundles of joy have to offer you!!!

JMO!!! :)

Round 2 of Bringing Sexy Back!

2008-05-30T13:36:00.000-07:00

So I've been exercising regularly and trying to eat better since April (about 7 weeks, this week made 8) and I've seen small changes. Face getting smaller, I can see my collar bone, arms more toned, my legs are definitely stronger and are looking a better, my ass is starting to sit up higher, my waist is shrinking, and my stomach has less of a round pregnant woman look to it, lol. My stamina during exercise is getting better even though I've really never had a problem with it.

As far as my diet changing I'm having less breakouts and the dark marks on my face are getting a lot lighter, and I'm more regular (TMI, I know, lol).

I know I'm getting used to all these changes because it starting to become second nature to me, as far as exercising even when I don't want to and not putting certain foods and drinks in my body. (Sugar, carbs, all that bad stuff in moderation) I actually have a hard time finishing the food on my plate because I get satisfied faster. I must admit I have been flubbing up a little but hey it was my birthday weekend but I'm getting back on track.

I'm actually enjoying doing this weight loss thing the right way, it feels good because the changes in my health lifestyle aren't so drastic that I wont fall off the wagon the moment I eat a pack of M&M's or something with bread in it. I'm learning my body, and it's kind of fun to figure out what foods and exercises work for me. This is definitely a life change and I don't mind it one bit because when I'm in my 40's I'm going to be one of the hottest mom's on the block, lol.

Besides all that I found out a lot of the things I'm doing now is setting me up for a healthier future as far as heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol and so on. It's funny because I thought when I was diagnosed with PCOS that I'd have such a hard time getting my body on track but I realize that it's just a stepping stone which is encouraging me to live a healthier life. I know the way I want my body to look isn't going to happen over night and it's something that I have to maintain and work hard for and it's making me happy that I have the support of the people I love. *Vato*

I'm adding jumping rope and more yoga this week, I'll keep recording my progress on here to keep me motivated!!

Vingt et un!

2008-05-29T07:56:00.000-07:00

SO I'm finally 21, it just feels really good to say...and type. I spent the weekend in Las Vegas and although I didn't get to see the Aussies (Thunder Down Under) review, lol, I did have a fabulous time.

My mother, my good friend D and I spent the weekend in the Paris Las Vegas Hotel and gambled and drank our little hearts out (well at least I did and mom hit 1G with one pull of the slot machine off of $20!). The casino section was filled with smoke and I could have sworn I smelled some green, lol, and a lot of drunk folk It was quite funny actually until this man bumped into me, dropping his $30 verre du vin, nearly cut my foot because there were shards all over my foot and red wine spilled on my WHITE leather heels. Then had the nerve to say, "Well thanks!" WHAT?! I could have went off, but I wasn't about to let him ruin my night or my blissful tipsy stupor...anyways the pathways in the hotel were like the coble streets of Paris with the ceiling realistically painted as the sky and restaurants modeled as store fronts. A lot of good French food (crepes, a boulangerie, Le Burger Brasserie, Le Village Buffet), and entertainment (piano wars, standards singing really good classic oldies). The Hotel was corny to an extent but done very classy and the decorum of the hotel was fabulous.

We visited the Bellagio, Bally's, the M&M store, and the Mile of Shops. In the middle of drones of tourists, we managed to make our way down the strip, it's beautiful at night, kind of like a more subtle version of forty deuce in Manhattan.

All in all, May 24th, 2008 was a great day, I got to spend the day with the people I care about and I was happy to listen to all the voicemails and emails wishing me a happy birthday upon my return so thanks to those of you who did!

Go green!

2008-04-06T07:29:00.000-07:00

It's been a while, but for good reason, a whole lotta shit goin on (I hate explaining myself sometimes so I wont). But, I am not following the Mayan calendar and today is the 3rd day of the 10th moon. I feel like I need to be in tune with nature so this is my attempt, in addition to cutting back on some unhealthy medicinal practices and eating right (ugh, breakfast) and distancing myself from negativity (even my own). I've noticed my face looking brighter (big ups to iron, omega-3's and Vitamin A, C, E, & K)...

On another note the semester is ending and it's time to kick it into high gear. I'm very pleased so far with my averages but they could be better so I'm grinding now...

Mark your calendars for a very special day coming up, May 24th, the day yours truly was brought into this world, oh how I miss the comfort of my mothers womb but this isn't so bad. I plan on going to Vegas and doing a little bit of everything, can't wait!

Time for Tae-Bo! Au revoir!

What the F*ck?!?

2008-03-02T15:08:00.000-08:00

Some things make me sick as hell.

...Didn't you know this?...Or didn't you notice?

2008-02-20T17:06:00.000-08:00

This world is amazing, it never ceases to amaze me. I was just staring at the moon, yes starring, and I got lost in it. It's bright and beautiful, just like the other planets and stars. This earth, powerful beyond measure, hurricanes, tornados, earthquakes, tsunamis, all that shit. Wind, snow, rain, thunder, lightning, hail, sleet, heatwaves, crazy. It really makes me realize how minute our existence is compared to how much is out there. It made me realize how tiny my problems are, how tiny everybody's problems are actually. Galaxy's, black holes, the milky way, comets, meteor showers, and this eclipse. Wow is all I can really say....I never really wanted to go into space, but now, I want to sit on the moon and listen to some Jazz.

That is all for my random moment of the day :)

PME

2008-02-16T18:54:00.000-08:00

This here is dedicated to my sis Dawn...lol

The wind falls
Like the rain blows
origami through the field
of an aquatic journey
to my soul.
As I grasp for an irreconcilable
difference, the products
don't add up.
Can you help me find
the quotient?

On a more positive note...

2008-02-09T07:22:00.000-08:00

Drinking ice cold tap water from a mason jar.

Painting my nails red.

Seeing my 94 year old great grandma crochet.

Reading sheet music.

Going back to NC and seeing what new babies have been added to the family.

Slow dancing to no music.

Jill Scott (I love this woman!).

Here, My Dear and I Want You.

Making my mother laugh.

How excited my family gets when they come to Atlanta for homecoming to see me march.

Cleaning the house.

BEAUTIFUL BLACK MEN (I really love ya'll!).

Having my skin touched.

Little boys with ashy knees from playing in the dirt.

Little girls with the beads in their hair and the foil on the ends.

My arch in my feet.

Good smelling stuff, be it perfume or cleaning products.

Good movies and great literature.

Being Black.

These are a few of my less than favorite things...

2008-02-08T19:57:00.000-08:00

In no particular order...

Children that know the lyrics to rap songs.

Not knowing enough about my history.

People who don't rinse out the tub.

Hearing an old school song I like and not remembering the artist.

The 3 years that have passed without me talking to my biological father and my 4 brothers and sister.

Onions and tomatoes on my burgers when I SPECIFICALLY ask that they not be put on.

The bottom of a pot or pan being scratched up by a metal utensil.

Miss Celie not whooping Mister's ass. But I understand...

Spotted glass.

Back hair.

Funny smells.

People who burp on purpose in public.

Unfinished work (any kind).

Essay/short answer tests.

Public restrooms.

The changing rooms and bathrooms at the beach.

Never seeming to have enough money when visiting amusement parks.

Instigation.

Egoistic hedonists.

Not understanding something.

Close mindedness.

White lies.

"Hurry up and wait".

Erectile dysfunction.

Not being photogenic.

When someone says or does something gross or inappropriate and EVERYONE cringes. Really don't like that, lol...

Chapped lips.

Inconsideration.

Unless it's math or you are in the 3rd grade, you should not be writing in pencil.

Electronic junkies.

Excessive amounts of hair weave in vibrant colors.

G.B.

THE FACT THAT I'M NOT GOING TO THE JILL SCOTT CONCERT ON THE 22nd or 23rd!

more to come... :)

Rest your weary head, my child

2008-02-07T11:09:00.000-08:00

Just Go To Sleep 2/7/08

Late nights can be the worst
It's when you think of loves lost,
being mistreated, being lied to
being used.
It's when you cry yourself into REM
wishing someone was there to console you
hold you, kiss you,
tell you you're still beautiful.
Even in your most snotty, puffy-eyed state
It's when you feel a void
that used to be filled
with deciet, desire.
Any and every memory
can and will flood your mind.
When you think about how crazy and stupid and naïve you were
for doing this
or that.

Some of the best things happen late at night
It's when you're awoken by a kiss from a late work night
When you get a tap on your shoulder and that look.
True emotions are divulged,
and the skeletons fall out the closet.
When mistakes are understood
and forgiven.

Reflection

2008-02-07T09:08:00.000-08:00

I've lived in a lot of places, experienced a lot of things, met a lot of people and shed a lot of tears. I am in the company of some wonderful ladies that I call my best friends (you know who you are) and some genuine men (you too know who you are). Relationships, I've experienced it, but not in the way I've wanted to. I've dated drug dealers, heart stealers, and cheaters and now I'm looking for a wound healer. I do open myself up, maybe a little too much, but I thought that's what you're supposed to do when you really care for someone. Ah well, that was the past and after being single for a little while I've had the chance to look at myself, the mistakes I've made, the hastiness, unintentional selfishness...I’ve basically come to the conclusion that I’ve centered my life on making others comfortable and boosting everyone elses ego. I believe my kindness has turned a little bit into push-over-ness and I have allowed people to use me for their convenience, there I said it. BUT, I like making people feel good, I really do, I think everyone should have at least one person that they can say cares for them and I guess I’ve always wanted to be that person. I’ve always wanted to be everyone’s best friend, every guy’s girlfriend, every family member’s favorite child and I’ve done everything to please EVERYONE ELSE. I guess it’s kind of like a pie, everyone keeps taking a slice from the pie, leaving it empty and the warmth it once had from being whole has now gotten colder since pieces of it have been taken away. And, because it’s still sweet, everyone still wants a bite, never offering to buy the ingredients to bake a new pie, just consuming it. I've never been the most beautiful, had the best body, skin nor have I had the best hair or material items, so I guess I was just over compensating by making everyone else feel good because that made me feel good. Don’t get me wrong, I have had my confident moments but they were usually shot down quickly by someone whom I let have a piece of this pie. It is funny how the ones’ closest to you are the quickest to tear you down.

I'm young, yes, but I think I have a good idea of what I need in the relationship department (Don't worry, I wont give you a long list). But, I consider myself to be a good woman, a lil freak nasty (who isn't?!?), but good all the same. I don't really date, it's a waste of time, energy, and is just awkward. I don't take phone calls after 10pm from men (what do we possibly have to talk about that can't wait until the morning?...exactly!) nor do I make dates for the weekend after Wednesday (after Wednesday, it's mischevious girls weekend! lol). I study and paint my toe nails on Sundays, read a little scripture every now and then, and I'm very smart...a lot smarter than some people seem to realize. I just wish I could come across someone of the male persuasion that I could hang out with, rub my cold nose on their cheek to warm it up (when I'm really just trying to get a whiff their colonge, lol), watch Like Water for Chocolate and all my other favorite movies that people don't watch, have him meet the love of my life (my mom) so she'll have someone to call her son-in-law (endearingly joking of course), suck on their earlobe just for fun while he rubs my butt, eat my fried chicken with, tell my secrets, hopes and dreams to and then cuddle all night to some Teddy P. or Barry, whatever happens after that happens. I want him to be comfortable enough with me for him to do the same.

I crave passion, excitement, lust, reciprocity, love, affection, attention, empathy, consideration and honesty. I never ask for anything that I'm not willing to give in return. I like to think of relationships as a phone bill. You know there are just standard charges you have to pay (basic plan, service charges, state tax...), and then there are the extra's (texting, internet, roaming, ring tones, games...) To me the standard charges are everything that you're going to get from me from jump, even if we're just friends (kindness, trust, caring, compassion, etc...) and the extra's are everything that's manifested within the relationship (love, unconditional positive regard, freaky sex, love making, reciprocity...). The problem is, people want to use up all their minutes and then complain when they have to pay for it...

But through all of that I've come to realize all that I have to offer. A warm, selfless, understanding heart, a sincerity that some are astonished by, and a love for people that scare some. I still have a love for everyone, even those who have hurt me, only because I believe that everyone IS really good at heart.

Writing a check that my @$$ CAN cash

2008-02-06T09:37:00.000-08:00

Some me time 2/6/08

Eyes wide open
Back meets cool, stiff sheets
Legs restless, for once
No contortions, no kisses, no goose bumps
Hands, searching for that pearl that has
washed upon a secluded shore
They follow a path to see where it leads
Knees, yearning
Thighs, fiending,
parting
no not again tonight
not again by myself
yes, by myself again

Delusion 2/6/08

I've been touching myself

all day,

wishing my hands were those

of a strong, passionate being with a Y chromosome.

Neck, shoulders, collar, chest

Monkey bites in places that make me perform at my best.

Warm chocolate skin, smooth soft and supple
Eyes to eyes, nose to nose, lips gently touching
Stuck between a pillow and a hard place,
I'm trying to keep up with your pace.
Holding me like a fermatta
Don't see how this can get any hotter
Tooted in the air, Y mounts my behind
Rearranging my organs, tapping my spine.
Gutteral moans, nice and slow
Wimpers, wails and screams at a fortississimo.
Back to reality, I'm dank with lust
Examining the space around me,
Cold and empty.
Wish I didn't have such an active imagination.

Nasty 2/6/08

I am on fire!
A 3 alarm blaze this be
across this untouched flesh
You know what would put it out...?

Palm abruptly meeting my bowl of jelly
cus jam don't shake like that.
Bite me, squeeze me
Rake your nails down my back
Run your fingers through my roots
Have a good grip?
ok, yank.
Talk to me with a mouth
you wouldn't dare kiss your mother with
Make me coo like a dove,
purr like a kitten
Make this kitty purr
Stay focused
I'm small enough to get tossed around..
But big enough to take it
Act accordingly.

My Haiku's, lol...

2008-02-05T05:39:00.000-08:00

Woke up this morning
Panting, sweaty, embarassed
Dreaming is a trip

Yay, Super Tuesday
I'm trying to make a change
Barack Obama

Themes

2008-02-04T11:47:00.000-08:00

My mother is in the middle of renovating her brownstone in Brooklyn and one day I went int the basement to go through my boxes of stuff that I left behind before I left for college. I found a tiny crumpled piece of paper between some of my old high school, jr. high and elementary school work (I save everything) and judging by my handwriting it was jr. high. This is what the paper said:

Themes

*Dreams can either save or destroy a person.

*Values and ideals are worth fighting for.

*We do not simply live for ourselves but for those who came before and will come after us.

*Only through self-respect and self-esteem can people live comfortably with themselves.

*Materialism and money, in themselves, are worthless.

*Dreams are necessary and important even if we don't completely realize them.

*Families can survive any catastrophe if the members love each other and share a common goal.

*It's never too late to start over.

Very simple and basic but I was just thinking that with all the rigors of life we sometimes need that little reality check, I guess this was mine.

i i i i i be on that bullshit?!?

2008-02-04T09:10:00.000-08:00

So I'm a little agitated because of some recent events, so I will vent...

I hate it when little boys, yes I said it, boys, say that "girls be on that bullshit". Are we on that bullshit because we don't 'holla back' at you when you call us out like dogs on the street, then call us bitches when we don't respond?? Are we on that bullshit because we don't put out?? Are we on that bullshit because we're not here for your convenience?? Are we on that bullshit because we don't want to meet ya'll after two exchanged messages from MySpace?? No, we're not on that bullshit, we are women that respect ourselves, and ya'll are little boys that don't understand that. Now don't get me wrong, this isn't addressed to all members of the male species; men, please disregard this, and boys, adhere to this: little boys are meant for little girls, and I truly believe that all males can tell a ho from a house wife, just as we women can tell a boy from a man. So fellas, when you recognize a true woman, please come correct and treat her as such and maybe, just maybe it will seem like she isn't on that bullshit.

What's been on my mind...

2008-02-03T13:36:00.000-08:00

L.U.S.T. 2/2/08

When I heard your voice this morning I nearly fell on the floor
Palms sweaty, forehead sweaty, back sweaty, how are you doing this to me?
Watching your lips move as you spoke so eloquently
I wanted to taste your tongue to see if it was as sweet as the words that came from it
This is so wrong, on so many levels.
But what's feeling wrong in my head I know would feel so right between my legs
So...we need to handle this because I'm tired of handling it alone.

Deal, or No Deal? 1/30/08

Ok, here's the deal
Well, I think we should make a deal, rather
Let's take a chance
On love, on lust
Let's cohabitate, copulate
Let me lick you from the bottom of your spine to your nape
Wait
Let me clarify

From the moment I laid eyes on you, I wanted you
In the worst way
I fantasize about you
In the most compromising positions my devilish mind could think up
You are truly a heavenly creation from our Divine CEO
And I want to corrupt you
I want you to corrupt me

I want to hold you
I want to have late night conversations full of giggles and yawns
I want a kiss on the forehead
I want to sip wine with you and listen to Jazz
I want it from the back
I need a piece of you, even if only for a moment...
Deal?

Hanging On To A Memory 11/26/06

I don’t know why I’m still thinking about you
No, I take that back, I do
It’s because your scent has seeped deep into my pores,
No matter how hard I scrub, it still remains.
Your presence is felt even when I’m alone,
Your voice is heard when I’m thinking,
I feel your touch when I hug my pillow at night
I taste your love when I eat
I CAN’T EXCAPE YOU
I don’t know if I want to
I need to

I hate sleeping alone
My bed is so cold without you in it beside me
And I find myself restless
Mainly because there is no one there to rub my butt and put me to sleep

I don’t know why I miss you so much
When it was good, it was so…so good
I still feel you lingering inside of me
You’ve left an impression that I don’t think anyone can fill
Your strokes, longer than the Euphrates…
Deeper than the Nile…
You ravished me in ways I never thought possible
You sent me to a place that surpassed ecstasy
Over and over and over again
You hurt me so good
So good, I just ached
Ached for more
Damn, I don’t know why I’m still thinking about you

I don’t know why I want you so bad
I just want one night
One night to do all the things I should have done
All the things I wanted to do…
But was scared to do
One night to REALLY show you how much I miss it
You said I was always a giver ;)
You told me it was so good
I was good
You told me that it was mine and mine was yours
You told me you’ve never been so deep
How did you manage to hit my spot e-v-e-r-y single time?
One touch and my love came pouring down like the Niagara Falls
Our connection was electric
I still get goose bumps just thinking about it
You can’t tell me you don’t miss that
You can’t tell me that you don’t feel the same way
…Maybe you don’t
Damn, you got me f*cked up

I try to front like I don’t miss you
You front too
I guess it was good for the moment
But we both know it would never work again,
Because in the end, like Jill said…
“You were never good for me
And I was never good for you…
I just miss what we used to do”