Not this...again

I haven't written in a while, I wont spend meaningless time to fill you in I will just get to the meat.

I have been hurt this week. Someone who told me they wanted to be monogamous, who wanted me to open up and be more transparent, who needed me to be more attentive to him has been lying to me. Has been fucking another girl unprotected, a girl who he said he loves, who he fucked around on when they were dating.

I was beyond livid, hurt, cut deep. Now, with the help of God and a whole lot of prayer I am healing. This is hard. This is hurtful. I cry because the only thing I want is someone to take care of MY heart. To be here for me to cry on their shoulder. Someone who is mine and mine alone. Why is that so hard to find? I am tired of falling into the idea that if you don't sleep with a man you wont keep his attention. I'm tired of being played with but still being told how "great" of a person I am and how they wish they hadn't fucked up. I am tired of questioning myself, comparing myself to who they pass me up for. I am just tired. All I want to do this weekend is drink Nyquil and sleep, smoke weed and pass out from too many shots. *sigh* I am exaggerating but I do feel numb. I want to cry until I can't cry anymore. Not because "I liked him so much", but because I feel betrayed. I feel sorry for myself because I saw this a mile away. I knew he loved her in April, why didn't I confront him then? I wasn't strong enough. I need thicker skin. Apparently bitches are the ones who wind up with men chasing after them. This girl has him whipped. My ex's girl had him whipped. Why don't I have that ability? I don't want to whip you I just want you to need me and no other woman...

This is my release. Expect more for a couple of months.

Wow it's been a while...

Hey!

Not much is going on, well, a lot is going on at the same time.

I've been working as an administrative assistant...I start this census job next week and I begin my personal assistant job in May. In addition to that I will be walking across that beautiful stage to receive my DEGREE May 17th!

Love life is a little nonexistent
Lust life is always on full, lol....
Sex life...lets not talk about that :)


I'll be 23 in about a month...I swear these years just seem to float on by....

My new favorite song

Just one of those days...

Happy New Year

Well it's a New Year, not too many "new" goals but mostly "working goals" as I like to call them

Get my drivers license
Healthier lifestyle-Physically, spiritually, and mentally
Stop using "lying" as a defense mechanism.
Trust more
Open up more
Stand my ground and lose the weakness






I've just been a little agitated about things lately. I feel like certain relationships are falling apart and part of me doesn't even care anymore. I want people to leave me alone and/or be real with themselves in addition to me. I'm tired of dealing with people that I can never get a straight answer out of. People that don't confirm or deny or state their own opinion or lack logic in their opinions thus making themselves look like jackasses. Ugh it's so frustrating. I should just keep to myself and get ghost for a while....a long while...

SMMFH

Sometimes life throws situations at you as tests of judgement, confidence, common sense, devotion, all sorts of things. I feel like I'm being tested this week.

I'm trying to grow up and realize everything isn't about me at the same time bringing my self confidence and esteem up but it seems like whenever I get a nice grasp of something something else knocks me off my feet. I should be stronger, I should be more stable but when you feel like the something is big enough to shake you up you start self doubting.

I'm going through a situation right now that I am NOT happy about. Someone I care about is off galavanting across the seas with someone he used to be intimate with. Sounds crazy eh? Yeah how do you think I feel? There are a few minor details as to why he's at where he's at but I'm not getting into all that. I try to rationalize the situation "Well if I had the opportunity to travel abroad, even if it was with an ex and his parents, I'd go." or "I wouldn't let anyone stop me from experiencing maybe a once in a lifetime thing" or "Maybe he's just fulfilling a financial obligation and might as well go". All that may be good and true but it doesn't excuse the fact that it's with someone they used to be intimate with and is going to have ample alone time with. AMPLE and Im sure after 9pm folks aren't just going to go in recluse in their separate rooms until the next morning. I'd love to think so. I barely see you once a week and she's got you for 10 fuckin days alone?!? It makes me mad, it makes me jealous, it makes me unhappy. IN NO WAY am I jealous of her, (cute girl but I personally don't think she could hold a candle to me). I'm jealous of the time that she's stealing away from me. And I've YET to receive an apology for putting me in this position. I truly love this person and I'm not quite sure if he understands how I'm feeling. All I can say is put yourself IN MY SHOES. With all things taken into account, put yourself in my shoes. We don't have many problems but the issue that I see constantly reoccuring is her and I don't know why. Is it a sign? I keep praying and asking God to show me things and when things like this happen it feels like he is.

I told him to let her know from jump what this is between us and he said he'd go along with it. But I've also come to learn that low key he doesn't like confrontation and would rather have everyonoe happy. Which is a good and bad thing. I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it because I know in the end things will reveal themselves to me. I just hope he has his heart and head in the correct place and I trust that he does....I just don't trust hefers. But ultimately the decision on how he decides to conduct himself/react is his and honestly whether he tells the truth or lies I wont know cus I wasn't there.

These are concerns any other female or male in my position would have whether or not they did trust their mate. He could have gone on a trip like this with anyone, any of his homeboys or other homegirls and I honestly would be soooo much more at ease. It's just her. She's like poison in my love soup. Thinking about her literally makes my stomach curddle like I'm going to vomit. It's funny how you can not even meet someone and not like them. Nothing personal I can't help it I'm territorial. And I swear if he doesn't let her know what's up like I asked, I will, and will have no qualms about it. I fight for what love and feel invested in and I feel after this week there are going to be some deeeeeeep discussions...

Updizzle!

*UPDATE*

My hair looks great.

I'm still foine. lmao

Got an internship.

Graduating in December!

Moving back to Brooklyn in December :(

A better, longer blog coming soon :)