But is it such a bad thing?
You've heard the the saying "never settle for less because you'll get less than what you deserve" but I've learned through all of my experiences of dealing with people that settling sometimes happens because of the stipulations of your situation(s). And it's not always a bad thing, it can hurt sometimes, it can bug you, but a person can only decide what they'll deal with and how far they'll take a situation. Sometimes things are a little out of ones control, some things can't be helped (i.e. a baby daddy/momma or ex-wife/husband). But at the same time people like to use the term "compromise" synonymously with "settle" and they are absolutely two different things. One has more of a positive connotation while the other usually is usually associated with a negative one, some seem to think that because they are compromising that they are settling, but I digress...
When I think about my future and the future of people and relationships it can be a little disheartening sometimes. I don't know if it's the OCS (Only Child Syndrome) in me but sometimes I pride myself on being first, feeling that I'm special/making others feel special and/or even sharing certain special moments with people just to say it was our first time experiencing something together. But at the end of the day one has to think realistically. Some of my girlfriends and I often talk about the state of marriage and how it's going out of style and that because of shacking up, people just sleeping with others for the hell of it, and/or children born out of wedlock, that that special union between people is a bit…..tainted. I personally would love to be someones first fiancee, someone’s first wife, and the first (and only) mother of a man’s children, I think it's most girls dream, but I believe the odds of that are a bit slim to none because of the reasons stated above. And no, I'm not saying that just because a person is associated with said reasons that they are less than or unworthy of love. I'm quite aware that all people have some kind of baggage which may not be attractive to other folk. Once again I digress. lol so for question's sakeI just wanna know if I wasn’t the first, would I be settling for less than what I feel I deserve or am I just a victim of circumstance? How much does it matter? DOES it matter? Who decides which values one possesses are considered as settling or compromising?
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
He will be missed
So as I'm sitting here all choked up over the Michael Jackson memorial service I can't help but think, wow, this man is truly the greatest! I truly believe God chooses people, special people, to fulfill some type of destiny and I believe MJ was one of them. Throughout his upbringing, his stardom, trials/tribulations and overall greatness MJ never failed to do what he was brought on this earth to do; to spread love, unity and joy to open hearts.
When his brothers came out carrying his casket to the hymn of "Soon and very soon we are going to see the king....", wearing those sequence gloves, it was heart wrenching.
Brooke Shields personal account of her friendship with him, Jermaine singing his favorite song, Smile. All done very beautifully.
When his daughter, Paris Michael Katherine Jackson, spoke her words at the end, even more heart wrenching. Yes, the frog in my throat turned into a tear. The camera kept panning over to the silver casket throughout the memorial and all I could say was "Damn Mike..." and shake my head. This is really saddening but I will *Smile*. I will smile because I think MJ had some kind of connection with anyone and everyone who loves music, can love and live for peace.
My heart goes out. Rest in peace Michael Joseph Jackson :)
When his brothers came out carrying his casket to the hymn of "Soon and very soon we are going to see the king....", wearing those sequence gloves, it was heart wrenching.
Brooke Shields personal account of her friendship with him, Jermaine singing his favorite song, Smile. All done very beautifully.
When his daughter, Paris Michael Katherine Jackson, spoke her words at the end, even more heart wrenching. Yes, the frog in my throat turned into a tear. The camera kept panning over to the silver casket throughout the memorial and all I could say was "Damn Mike..." and shake my head. This is really saddening but I will *Smile*. I will smile because I think MJ had some kind of connection with anyone and everyone who loves music, can love and live for peace.
My heart goes out. Rest in peace Michael Joseph Jackson :)
Thursday, July 2, 2009
I Miss My Wave
Broken Glass 7/2/2009
What is the beach without an ocean?
Nothing but a dried up mass of broken glass.
That at some point in time, somewhere, was whole.
You come in and out of my life
Like the waves crashing upon the shore
You give a little bit.
You take a little bit.
You give me love, comfort, security
You take away my insecurities, pain, loneliness
Now usually my sand is loose
light and free.
Easily picked up by wind, going where ever it takes me.
But the closer I get to the shore I turn dense,
hard to dig through,
I guess it's the way sand protects itself from the waves...
But every time you come you still manage to take me away with you.
Every time you crash upon my shore you seem to smooth me out
You fill holes created by those who have stepped upon me
You wash away the rocks and shells that seem to bury themselves in me
You hydrate my otherwise dried up bank
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
You're so lonely out there miles away from the shore
And I'm so lifeless and dull on the other side of my berm
But together we dance, we play.
When the sun is shining upon us at day break from the horizon, we glisten.
The sun reflects on you, and you mixed with the sun makes my sand shimmer
All of that broken glass shimmers.
What is the beach without an ocean?
Nothing but a dried up mass of broken glass.
That at some point in time, somewhere, was whole.
You come in and out of my life
Like the waves crashing upon the shore
You give a little bit.
You take a little bit.
You give me love, comfort, security
You take away my insecurities, pain, loneliness
Now usually my sand is loose
light and free.
Easily picked up by wind, going where ever it takes me.
But the closer I get to the shore I turn dense,
hard to dig through,
I guess it's the way sand protects itself from the waves...
But every time you come you still manage to take me away with you.
Every time you crash upon my shore you seem to smooth me out
You fill holes created by those who have stepped upon me
You wash away the rocks and shells that seem to bury themselves in me
You hydrate my otherwise dried up bank
And I wouldn't have it any other way.
You're so lonely out there miles away from the shore
And I'm so lifeless and dull on the other side of my berm
But together we dance, we play.
When the sun is shining upon us at day break from the horizon, we glisten.
The sun reflects on you, and you mixed with the sun makes my sand shimmer
All of that broken glass shimmers.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
:)
"Blue Skyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy." Wide the hell open, lmao.
Heavy Rotation
After talking to my mom yesterday I'm feeling a little better today. Some of the best advice I've ever gotten from her "Snap out of it!" lol.
Anywho last week or I received a pole dancing tutorial. It never really intrigued me before but after this lady showed me some things it was pretty fun (except for the sore thighs and arms, what a workout!) Funny thing is I didn't really feel sexy while I was doing it, it was more of a workout if anything, took me back to the days in gym class where you had to climb the rope. Me, not so much, I have very little upper body strength lol. Who thought of stripper poles anyways btw? Gotta look that one up.....
Is it me or was yesterday's weather feeling really good? This morning also was feeling a little cool.
I had a bad day in my french class today. I could not seem to concentrate for some reason. Speaking it I was fine but writing it.....ugh just couldn't seem to get my tenses and grammar in check. I guess the professor noticed my frustration because he asked me if everything was alright. I wanted to say hell no I had a hell of a weekend but I just said yeah I was fine. I should stop wearing my emotions on my sleeve, doesn't do anything but leave you embarrassed.
In heavy rotation in my Playlist:
Just Good Friends - Michael Jackson
Free Yourself - Fantasia
Never Can Say Goodbye - Michael Jackson/Gloria Gaynor
No One Gets the Prize - Diana Ross
Can't We Try - Teddy Pendergrass
I'd Rather - Luther Vandross
Ex Factor - Lauryn Hill
Take a Bow - Madonna
If My Heart Could Sing - Marvin Gaye
When Your Lover has Gone - Marvin Gaye
I Miss You So - Diana Krall
Officially Missing you -Tamia
I Get So Lonely - Janet Jackson
Unbreak My Heart - Toni Braxton
Can You Stop the Rain - Peabo Bryson
Anywho last week or I received a pole dancing tutorial. It never really intrigued me before but after this lady showed me some things it was pretty fun (except for the sore thighs and arms, what a workout!) Funny thing is I didn't really feel sexy while I was doing it, it was more of a workout if anything, took me back to the days in gym class where you had to climb the rope. Me, not so much, I have very little upper body strength lol. Who thought of stripper poles anyways btw? Gotta look that one up.....
Is it me or was yesterday's weather feeling really good? This morning also was feeling a little cool.
I had a bad day in my french class today. I could not seem to concentrate for some reason. Speaking it I was fine but writing it.....ugh just couldn't seem to get my tenses and grammar in check. I guess the professor noticed my frustration because he asked me if everything was alright. I wanted to say hell no I had a hell of a weekend but I just said yeah I was fine. I should stop wearing my emotions on my sleeve, doesn't do anything but leave you embarrassed.
In heavy rotation in my Playlist:
Just Good Friends - Michael Jackson
Free Yourself - Fantasia
Never Can Say Goodbye - Michael Jackson/Gloria Gaynor
No One Gets the Prize - Diana Ross
Can't We Try - Teddy Pendergrass
I'd Rather - Luther Vandross
Ex Factor - Lauryn Hill
Take a Bow - Madonna
If My Heart Could Sing - Marvin Gaye
When Your Lover has Gone - Marvin Gaye
I Miss You So - Diana Krall
Officially Missing you -Tamia
I Get So Lonely - Janet Jackson
Unbreak My Heart - Toni Braxton
Can You Stop the Rain - Peabo Bryson
Monday, June 29, 2009
Pain doesn't last forever but...
*Takes a deep breath*
I'm really hurting right now, in case that wasn't conveyed.
Yes I had to come back for the second post in one day. Thanks for reading.
I'm really hurting right now, in case that wasn't conveyed.
Yes I had to come back for the second post in one day. Thanks for reading.
And the winner is...
Me!
Yes, I've won a new outlook on life, love, and people. And let me tell you, the shit aint pretty. But it's ok, I'm just going to stop being nice, caring about peoples feelings and start taking someones advice which was to "do me". Whatever the fck that means. Ah well, I guess I'll find out. You only live once right? No need in tip toeing, explaining or beatin around the bush. I'll let folk think whatever the hell they want and I guess I'll "flirt" til my little fckin heart is content and play football with my shit load of guy friends. *rolling my eyes* fck outa here...One of the most valuable lessons I've learned is to keep my damn mouth shut. People tend to ask you questions about your past/present/future that they really don't want to know the answers to...or they want to know the answers to but know they can't handle it and judge you off of that. Or they pick and choose what they want to judge you off of either way from now on I'm keeping my mouth shut and I will only answer all questions pertaining to "the way I live my life" with "It's none of your damn business." How's that for being secretive?
I made a mistake a long time ago, I started fuckin with a situation that I should have probably left dead a long time ago. Indecisiveness, womped love triangle, whatever you wanna call it, that was it and as much as my unrelenting love had a big part to play with it, it kinda makes you want to say "what's love got to do with it?" Esp. when you're really hurting inside...your head just gets so cloudy and the emotions and feelings that you never thought you could feel so strongly for one person takes over and it's like a 24hr high on some strong ass shit. It makes you want to and/or go against your morals, it makes you try to justify an unjustifiable situation when all you really have to do is open your eyes and see shit for what it is, the real shit. Too many folks are indecisive and too many people have too much love to give. I don't regret anything, everything is a learning experience was upset at first but now I'm beginning to be angry. To feel like my character is being attacked and have my card pulled when I know for a fact that aint NO ONE a saint. That's fcked up. That's what hurts. I know I'm a good person and I don't mistreat anyone. I was always taught to attack the issue not the person....
I'm just so frustrated and flustered right now I can't even get my thoughts straight. I just know that I feel very numb inside, very misunderstood and very sad because I know that I try my best to make people happy, to make people feel good, and to make people smile. I feel sick to my stomach, like I want to vomit. I want to cry but I have no tears left. I want to scream but I have a frog in my throat. I want to throw, smash, hit, kick, and destroy something but my body feels paralyzed. I think love is the real kryptonite.
Yes, I've won a new outlook on life, love, and people. And let me tell you, the shit aint pretty. But it's ok, I'm just going to stop being nice, caring about peoples feelings and start taking someones advice which was to "do me". Whatever the fck that means. Ah well, I guess I'll find out. You only live once right? No need in tip toeing, explaining or beatin around the bush. I'll let folk think whatever the hell they want and I guess I'll "flirt" til my little fckin heart is content and play football with my shit load of guy friends. *rolling my eyes* fck outa here...One of the most valuable lessons I've learned is to keep my damn mouth shut. People tend to ask you questions about your past/present/future that they really don't want to know the answers to...or they want to know the answers to but know they can't handle it and judge you off of that. Or they pick and choose what they want to judge you off of either way from now on I'm keeping my mouth shut and I will only answer all questions pertaining to "the way I live my life" with "It's none of your damn business." How's that for being secretive?
I made a mistake a long time ago, I started fuckin with a situation that I should have probably left dead a long time ago. Indecisiveness, womped love triangle, whatever you wanna call it, that was it and as much as my unrelenting love had a big part to play with it, it kinda makes you want to say "what's love got to do with it?" Esp. when you're really hurting inside...your head just gets so cloudy and the emotions and feelings that you never thought you could feel so strongly for one person takes over and it's like a 24hr high on some strong ass shit. It makes you want to and/or go against your morals, it makes you try to justify an unjustifiable situation when all you really have to do is open your eyes and see shit for what it is, the real shit. Too many folks are indecisive and too many people have too much love to give. I don't regret anything, everything is a learning experience was upset at first but now I'm beginning to be angry. To feel like my character is being attacked and have my card pulled when I know for a fact that aint NO ONE a saint. That's fcked up. That's what hurts. I know I'm a good person and I don't mistreat anyone. I was always taught to attack the issue not the person....
I'm just so frustrated and flustered right now I can't even get my thoughts straight. I just know that I feel very numb inside, very misunderstood and very sad because I know that I try my best to make people happy, to make people feel good, and to make people smile. I feel sick to my stomach, like I want to vomit. I want to cry but I have no tears left. I want to scream but I have a frog in my throat. I want to throw, smash, hit, kick, and destroy something but my body feels paralyzed. I think love is the real kryptonite.
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