Sunday, January 10, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Happy New Year
Well it's a New Year, not too many "new" goals but mostly "working goals" as I like to call them
Get my drivers license
Healthier lifestyle-Physically, spiritually, and mentally
Stop using "lying" as a defense mechanism.
Trust more
Open up more
Stand my ground and lose the weakness
I've just been a little agitated about things lately. I feel like certain relationships are falling apart and part of me doesn't even care anymore. I want people to leave me alone and/or be real with themselves in addition to me. I'm tired of dealing with people that I can never get a straight answer out of. People that don't confirm or deny or state their own opinion or lack logic in their opinions thus making themselves look like jackasses. Ugh it's so frustrating. I should just keep to myself and get ghost for a while....a long while...
Get my drivers license
Healthier lifestyle-Physically, spiritually, and mentally
Stop using "lying" as a defense mechanism.
Trust more
Open up more
Stand my ground and lose the weakness
I've just been a little agitated about things lately. I feel like certain relationships are falling apart and part of me doesn't even care anymore. I want people to leave me alone and/or be real with themselves in addition to me. I'm tired of dealing with people that I can never get a straight answer out of. People that don't confirm or deny or state their own opinion or lack logic in their opinions thus making themselves look like jackasses. Ugh it's so frustrating. I should just keep to myself and get ghost for a while....a long while...
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
SMMFH
Sometimes life throws situations at you as tests of judgement, confidence, common sense, devotion, all sorts of things. I feel like I'm being tested this week.
I'm trying to grow up and realize everything isn't about me at the same time bringing my self confidence and esteem up but it seems like whenever I get a nice grasp of something something else knocks me off my feet. I should be stronger, I should be more stable but when you feel like the something is big enough to shake you up you start self doubting.
I'm going through a situation right now that I am NOT happy about. Someone I care about is off galavanting across the seas with someone he used to be intimate with. Sounds crazy eh? Yeah how do you think I feel? There are a few minor details as to why he's at where he's at but I'm not getting into all that. I try to rationalize the situation "Well if I had the opportunity to travel abroad, even if it was with an ex and his parents, I'd go." or "I wouldn't let anyone stop me from experiencing maybe a once in a lifetime thing" or "Maybe he's just fulfilling a financial obligation and might as well go". All that may be good and true but it doesn't excuse the fact that it's with someone they used to be intimate with and is going to have ample alone time with. AMPLE and Im sure after 9pm folks aren't just going to go in recluse in their separate rooms until the next morning. I'd love to think so. I barely see you once a week and she's got you for 10 fuckin days alone?!? It makes me mad, it makes me jealous, it makes me unhappy. IN NO WAY am I jealous of her, (cute girl but I personally don't think she could hold a candle to me). I'm jealous of the time that she's stealing away from me. And I've YET to receive an apology for putting me in this position. I truly love this person and I'm not quite sure if he understands how I'm feeling. All I can say is put yourself IN MY SHOES. With all things taken into account, put yourself in my shoes. We don't have many problems but the issue that I see constantly reoccuring is her and I don't know why. Is it a sign? I keep praying and asking God to show me things and when things like this happen it feels like he is.
I told him to let her know from jump what this is between us and he said he'd go along with it. But I've also come to learn that low key he doesn't like confrontation and would rather have everyonoe happy. Which is a good and bad thing. I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it because I know in the end things will reveal themselves to me. I just hope he has his heart and head in the correct place and I trust that he does....I just don't trust hefers. But ultimately the decision on how he decides to conduct himself/react is his and honestly whether he tells the truth or lies I wont know cus I wasn't there.
These are concerns any other female or male in my position would have whether or not they did trust their mate. He could have gone on a trip like this with anyone, any of his homeboys or other homegirls and I honestly would be soooo much more at ease. It's just her. She's like poison in my love soup. Thinking about her literally makes my stomach curddle like I'm going to vomit. It's funny how you can not even meet someone and not like them. Nothing personal I can't help it I'm territorial. And I swear if he doesn't let her know what's up like I asked, I will, and will have no qualms about it. I fight for what love and feel invested in and I feel after this week there are going to be some deeeeeeep discussions...
I'm trying to grow up and realize everything isn't about me at the same time bringing my self confidence and esteem up but it seems like whenever I get a nice grasp of something something else knocks me off my feet. I should be stronger, I should be more stable but when you feel like the something is big enough to shake you up you start self doubting.
I'm going through a situation right now that I am NOT happy about. Someone I care about is off galavanting across the seas with someone he used to be intimate with. Sounds crazy eh? Yeah how do you think I feel? There are a few minor details as to why he's at where he's at but I'm not getting into all that. I try to rationalize the situation "Well if I had the opportunity to travel abroad, even if it was with an ex and his parents, I'd go." or "I wouldn't let anyone stop me from experiencing maybe a once in a lifetime thing" or "Maybe he's just fulfilling a financial obligation and might as well go". All that may be good and true but it doesn't excuse the fact that it's with someone they used to be intimate with and is going to have ample alone time with. AMPLE and Im sure after 9pm folks aren't just going to go in recluse in their separate rooms until the next morning. I'd love to think so. I barely see you once a week and she's got you for 10 fuckin days alone?!? It makes me mad, it makes me jealous, it makes me unhappy. IN NO WAY am I jealous of her, (cute girl but I personally don't think she could hold a candle to me). I'm jealous of the time that she's stealing away from me. And I've YET to receive an apology for putting me in this position. I truly love this person and I'm not quite sure if he understands how I'm feeling. All I can say is put yourself IN MY SHOES. With all things taken into account, put yourself in my shoes. We don't have many problems but the issue that I see constantly reoccuring is her and I don't know why. Is it a sign? I keep praying and asking God to show me things and when things like this happen it feels like he is.
I told him to let her know from jump what this is between us and he said he'd go along with it. But I've also come to learn that low key he doesn't like confrontation and would rather have everyonoe happy. Which is a good and bad thing. I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it because I know in the end things will reveal themselves to me. I just hope he has his heart and head in the correct place and I trust that he does....I just don't trust hefers. But ultimately the decision on how he decides to conduct himself/react is his and honestly whether he tells the truth or lies I wont know cus I wasn't there.
These are concerns any other female or male in my position would have whether or not they did trust their mate. He could have gone on a trip like this with anyone, any of his homeboys or other homegirls and I honestly would be soooo much more at ease. It's just her. She's like poison in my love soup. Thinking about her literally makes my stomach curddle like I'm going to vomit. It's funny how you can not even meet someone and not like them. Nothing personal I can't help it I'm territorial. And I swear if he doesn't let her know what's up like I asked, I will, and will have no qualms about it. I fight for what love and feel invested in and I feel after this week there are going to be some deeeeeeep discussions...
Friday, September 25, 2009
Updizzle!
*UPDATE*
My hair looks great.
I'm still foine. lmao
Got an internship.
Graduating in December!
Moving back to Brooklyn in December :(
A better, longer blog coming soon :)
My hair looks great.
I'm still foine. lmao
Got an internship.
Graduating in December!
Moving back to Brooklyn in December :(
A better, longer blog coming soon :)
Thursday, July 30, 2009
EVERYBODY SETTLES...really.
But is it such a bad thing?
You've heard the the saying "never settle for less because you'll get less than what you deserve" but I've learned through all of my experiences of dealing with people that settling sometimes happens because of the stipulations of your situation(s). And it's not always a bad thing, it can hurt sometimes, it can bug you, but a person can only decide what they'll deal with and how far they'll take a situation. Sometimes things are a little out of ones control, some things can't be helped (i.e. a baby daddy/momma or ex-wife/husband). But at the same time people like to use the term "compromise" synonymously with "settle" and they are absolutely two different things. One has more of a positive connotation while the other usually is usually associated with a negative one, some seem to think that because they are compromising that they are settling, but I digress...
When I think about my future and the future of people and relationships it can be a little disheartening sometimes. I don't know if it's the OCS (Only Child Syndrome) in me but sometimes I pride myself on being first, feeling that I'm special/making others feel special and/or even sharing certain special moments with people just to say it was our first time experiencing something together. But at the end of the day one has to think realistically. Some of my girlfriends and I often talk about the state of marriage and how it's going out of style and that because of shacking up, people just sleeping with others for the hell of it, and/or children born out of wedlock, that that special union between people is a bit…..tainted. I personally would love to be someones first fiancee, someone’s first wife, and the first (and only) mother of a man’s children, I think it's most girls dream, but I believe the odds of that are a bit slim to none because of the reasons stated above. And no, I'm not saying that just because a person is associated with said reasons that they are less than or unworthy of love. I'm quite aware that all people have some kind of baggage which may not be attractive to other folk. Once again I digress. lol so for question's sakeI just wanna know if I wasn’t the first, would I be settling for less than what I feel I deserve or am I just a victim of circumstance? How much does it matter? DOES it matter? Who decides which values one possesses are considered as settling or compromising?
You've heard the the saying "never settle for less because you'll get less than what you deserve" but I've learned through all of my experiences of dealing with people that settling sometimes happens because of the stipulations of your situation(s). And it's not always a bad thing, it can hurt sometimes, it can bug you, but a person can only decide what they'll deal with and how far they'll take a situation. Sometimes things are a little out of ones control, some things can't be helped (i.e. a baby daddy/momma or ex-wife/husband). But at the same time people like to use the term "compromise" synonymously with "settle" and they are absolutely two different things. One has more of a positive connotation while the other usually is usually associated with a negative one, some seem to think that because they are compromising that they are settling, but I digress...
When I think about my future and the future of people and relationships it can be a little disheartening sometimes. I don't know if it's the OCS (Only Child Syndrome) in me but sometimes I pride myself on being first, feeling that I'm special/making others feel special and/or even sharing certain special moments with people just to say it was our first time experiencing something together. But at the end of the day one has to think realistically. Some of my girlfriends and I often talk about the state of marriage and how it's going out of style and that because of shacking up, people just sleeping with others for the hell of it, and/or children born out of wedlock, that that special union between people is a bit…..tainted. I personally would love to be someones first fiancee, someone’s first wife, and the first (and only) mother of a man’s children, I think it's most girls dream, but I believe the odds of that are a bit slim to none because of the reasons stated above. And no, I'm not saying that just because a person is associated with said reasons that they are less than or unworthy of love. I'm quite aware that all people have some kind of baggage which may not be attractive to other folk. Once again I digress. lol so for question's sakeI just wanna know if I wasn’t the first, would I be settling for less than what I feel I deserve or am I just a victim of circumstance? How much does it matter? DOES it matter? Who decides which values one possesses are considered as settling or compromising?
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
He will be missed
So as I'm sitting here all choked up over the Michael Jackson memorial service I can't help but think, wow, this man is truly the greatest! I truly believe God chooses people, special people, to fulfill some type of destiny and I believe MJ was one of them. Throughout his upbringing, his stardom, trials/tribulations and overall greatness MJ never failed to do what he was brought on this earth to do; to spread love, unity and joy to open hearts.
When his brothers came out carrying his casket to the hymn of "Soon and very soon we are going to see the king....", wearing those sequence gloves, it was heart wrenching.
Brooke Shields personal account of her friendship with him, Jermaine singing his favorite song, Smile. All done very beautifully.
When his daughter, Paris Michael Katherine Jackson, spoke her words at the end, even more heart wrenching. Yes, the frog in my throat turned into a tear. The camera kept panning over to the silver casket throughout the memorial and all I could say was "Damn Mike..." and shake my head. This is really saddening but I will *Smile*. I will smile because I think MJ had some kind of connection with anyone and everyone who loves music, can love and live for peace.
My heart goes out. Rest in peace Michael Joseph Jackson :)
When his brothers came out carrying his casket to the hymn of "Soon and very soon we are going to see the king....", wearing those sequence gloves, it was heart wrenching.
Brooke Shields personal account of her friendship with him, Jermaine singing his favorite song, Smile. All done very beautifully.
When his daughter, Paris Michael Katherine Jackson, spoke her words at the end, even more heart wrenching. Yes, the frog in my throat turned into a tear. The camera kept panning over to the silver casket throughout the memorial and all I could say was "Damn Mike..." and shake my head. This is really saddening but I will *Smile*. I will smile because I think MJ had some kind of connection with anyone and everyone who loves music, can love and live for peace.
My heart goes out. Rest in peace Michael Joseph Jackson :)
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