Lately I've been in a bit of a slump. I thought it was because Aunt Flow had recently came into town, making an already emotional person a blubbering fool but I think it's more than that. Well I admit I am a little depressed about not graduating yesterday, even though I know I'm not prepared for life after graduation it puts a little bit of self doubt in me (I'll elaborate later). I have a few friends still in Atlanta that can hang out with but I still feel lonely, I know I'm not alone, and I guess I should be used to it by now after basically being a latchkey kid but I guess I'm at that point in my life where I really need a certain level of support, understanding and yes affection.
When I say I feel lonely it's mainly because I feel like everyone else is doing their own things, have other MAJOR obligations, or I'm just slowly losing certain connections(family, friends...): My mom is in a completely different state and we talk sometimes but it's nothing like spending time with her. I haven't spoken to my real father in 4 years. I haven't seen my step dad (who raised me) in about 2 years, we speak sometimes. My cousin who I got really close to in NY now has a baby so she's busy with that and we never really get to see each other because I'm in school. My guy cousin, who is like my brother, never calls me, I have no way to contact him and it hurts because I feel like he's my heart. I have 3 best girl-friends, one is in another state raising her beautiful daughter (my bookie #2), one is just always at home or has some type of drama going on and is never on campus and the other just always works so we don't get to see each other often (though we did just go on a trip this past weekend). I have an Aunt I speak with just about every morning and she keeps me grounded. A few guy friends but I don't think they even understand me all the time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to have everyone's lives revolve around me, at all, but sometime it feels like NOTHING ever concerns me or I'm last when it comes to anything or that I just have a bunch of shallow connections with people. I find myself just sitting in my room by myself just thinking...or reading or watching tv or staring aimlessly out my window thinking about the things that make me happy. Silly to say but it makes me feel safe to be by myself sometimes, like if I keep to myself nothing can disturb the little bit of sanity I have left, no one can piss me off and make me show my ugly side, no one can disappoint or hurt me and at the same time I guess that's why I'm feeling lonely. I know part of me is guarded, very guarded and there are only a few people that I let my wall down for and it almost feels bittersweet when I do, like I'm living in a fantasy, that it feels so good to just be wide open....but at the same time it's not always so easy. I've noticed that when good things come my way it's only for a short period of time and being the emotional person I am I soak up as much of it as I can before POOF! like the wind it's gone. So now instead of getting too excited about things I just take it as it comes. I'm trying to find a hobby, working out used to be it but I've slacked a little bit, I should probably start again, soon, lol.
As far as support, I feel as though I am my own support system, and I'm not talking in a financial sense. Just generally, I pat myself of the back all the time to keep my spirits up...and it's starting to give me a complex. I guess I miss those days where you brought home an A on a test and your mom put it on the fridge. I like that feeling, like what you did or accomplished matters. I'm in school but sometimes it feels like it doesn't matter to anyone...but myself, which upsets me because I'm not doing this just for myself. I can't help that I like to get super excited about what I'm doing, thing is when other people aren't excited it kind of puts a damper on my parade. Shit, I didn't have to go to college, I'm the kind of person that could have non profit organizations for the rest of my life and live within my means, but I chose to do this so that maybe one day I can be an inspiration to my little cousins or be well enough to be able to pay their tuition...and my mother wouldn't have had it any other way....
I didn't have any real way to end this blog, it was just a bunch of stuff going through my mind...as usual.
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2 comments:
Very informative. I can really relate to u on a lot of points, lonely accomplishments not really making a difference to n e one but self. Just in general. Well gettin a complex from b n ur own cheerleader is very possible. U can find ur ass up on ur shoulders and feel justified for havin it up der. N e way I feel. I told myself I would comment on ur stuff n e more but I like this one a lot. Jeep ya head up bambino.
Thanks, you know I appreciate the comments Vato!
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