SMMFH

Sometimes life throws situations at you as tests of judgement, confidence, common sense, devotion, all sorts of things. I feel like I'm being tested this week.

I'm trying to grow up and realize everything isn't about me at the same time bringing my self confidence and esteem up but it seems like whenever I get a nice grasp of something something else knocks me off my feet. I should be stronger, I should be more stable but when you feel like the something is big enough to shake you up you start self doubting.

I'm going through a situation right now that I am NOT happy about. Someone I care about is off galavanting across the seas with someone he used to be intimate with. Sounds crazy eh? Yeah how do you think I feel? There are a few minor details as to why he's at where he's at but I'm not getting into all that. I try to rationalize the situation "Well if I had the opportunity to travel abroad, even if it was with an ex and his parents, I'd go." or "I wouldn't let anyone stop me from experiencing maybe a once in a lifetime thing" or "Maybe he's just fulfilling a financial obligation and might as well go". All that may be good and true but it doesn't excuse the fact that it's with someone they used to be intimate with and is going to have ample alone time with. AMPLE and Im sure after 9pm folks aren't just going to go in recluse in their separate rooms until the next morning. I'd love to think so. I barely see you once a week and she's got you for 10 fuckin days alone?!? It makes me mad, it makes me jealous, it makes me unhappy. IN NO WAY am I jealous of her, (cute girl but I personally don't think she could hold a candle to me). I'm jealous of the time that she's stealing away from me. And I've YET to receive an apology for putting me in this position. I truly love this person and I'm not quite sure if he understands how I'm feeling. All I can say is put yourself IN MY SHOES. With all things taken into account, put yourself in my shoes. We don't have many problems but the issue that I see constantly reoccuring is her and I don't know why. Is it a sign? I keep praying and asking God to show me things and when things like this happen it feels like he is.

I told him to let her know from jump what this is between us and he said he'd go along with it. But I've also come to learn that low key he doesn't like confrontation and would rather have everyonoe happy. Which is a good and bad thing. I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it because I know in the end things will reveal themselves to me. I just hope he has his heart and head in the correct place and I trust that he does....I just don't trust hefers. But ultimately the decision on how he decides to conduct himself/react is his and honestly whether he tells the truth or lies I wont know cus I wasn't there.

These are concerns any other female or male in my position would have whether or not they did trust their mate. He could have gone on a trip like this with anyone, any of his homeboys or other homegirls and I honestly would be soooo much more at ease. It's just her. She's like poison in my love soup. Thinking about her literally makes my stomach curddle like I'm going to vomit. It's funny how you can not even meet someone and not like them. Nothing personal I can't help it I'm territorial. And I swear if he doesn't let her know what's up like I asked, I will, and will have no qualms about it. I fight for what love and feel invested in and I feel after this week there are going to be some deeeeeeep discussions...

Updizzle!

*UPDATE*

My hair looks great.

I'm still foine. lmao

Got an internship.

Graduating in December!

Moving back to Brooklyn in December :(

A better, longer blog coming soon :)

EVERYBODY SETTLES...really.

But is it such a bad thing?

You've heard the the saying "never settle for less because you'll get less than what you deserve" but I've learned through all of my experiences of dealing with people that settling sometimes happens because of the stipulations of your situation(s). And it's not always a bad thing, it can hurt sometimes, it can bug you, but a person can only decide what they'll deal with and how far they'll take a situation. Sometimes things are a little out of ones control, some things can't be helped (i.e. a baby daddy/momma or ex-wife/husband). But at the same time people like to use the term "compromise" synonymously with "settle" and they are absolutely two different things. One has more of a positive connotation while the other usually is usually associated with a negative one, some seem to think that because they are compromising that they are settling, but I digress...


When I think about my future and the future of people and relationships it can be a little disheartening sometimes. I don't know if it's the OCS (Only Child Syndrome) in me but sometimes I pride myself on being first, feeling that I'm special/making others feel special and/or even sharing certain special moments with people just to say it was our first time experiencing something together. But at the end of the day one has to think realistically. Some of my girlfriends and I often talk about the state of marriage and how it's going out of style and that because of shacking up, people just sleeping with others for the hell of it, and/or children born out of wedlock, that that special union between people is a bit…..tainted. I personally would love to be someones first fiancee, someone’s first wife, and the first (and only) mother of a man’s children, I think it's most girls dream, but I believe the odds of that are a bit slim to none because of the reasons stated above. And no, I'm not saying that just because a person is associated with said reasons that they are less than or unworthy of love. I'm quite aware that all people have some kind of baggage which may not be attractive to other folk. Once again I digress. lol so for question's sakeI just wanna know if I wasn’t the first, would I be settling for less than what I feel I deserve or am I just a victim of circumstance? How much does it matter? DOES it matter? Who decides which values one possesses are considered as settling or compromising?

He will be missed

So as I'm sitting here all choked up over the Michael Jackson memorial service I can't help but think, wow, this man is truly the greatest! I truly believe God chooses people, special people, to fulfill some type of destiny and I believe MJ was one of them. Throughout his upbringing, his stardom, trials/tribulations and overall greatness MJ never failed to do what he was brought on this earth to do; to spread love, unity and joy to open hearts.

When his brothers came out carrying his casket to the hymn of "Soon and very soon we are going to see the king....", wearing those sequence gloves, it was heart wrenching.

Brooke Shields personal account of her friendship with him, Jermaine singing his favorite song, Smile. All done very beautifully.

When his daughter, Paris Michael Katherine Jackson, spoke her words at the end, even more heart wrenching. Yes, the frog in my throat turned into a tear. The camera kept panning over to the silver casket throughout the memorial and all I could say was "Damn Mike..." and shake my head. This is really saddening but I will *Smile*. I will smile because I think MJ had some kind of connection with anyone and everyone who loves music, can love and live for peace.

My heart goes out. Rest in peace Michael Joseph Jackson :)

I Miss My Wave

Broken Glass 7/2/2009

What is the beach without an ocean?
Nothing but a dried up mass of broken glass.
That at some point in time, somewhere, was whole.

You come in and out of my life
Like the waves crashing upon the shore
You give a little bit.
You take a little bit.

You give me love, comfort, security
You take away my insecurities, pain, loneliness

Now usually my sand is loose
light and free.
Easily picked up by wind, going where ever it takes me.
But the closer I get to the shore I turn dense,
hard to dig through,
I guess it's the way sand protects itself from the waves...

But every time you come you still manage to take me away with you.
Every time you crash upon my shore you seem to smooth me out
You fill holes created by those who have stepped upon me
You wash away the rocks and shells that seem to bury themselves in me
You hydrate my otherwise dried up bank
And I wouldn't have it any other way.

You're so lonely out there miles away from the shore
And I'm so lifeless and dull on the other side of my berm
But together we dance, we play.
When the sun is shining upon us at day break from the horizon, we glisten.
The sun reflects on you, and you mixed with the sun makes my sand shimmer
All of that broken glass shimmers.

:)

"Blue Skyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy." Wide the hell open, lmao.

Heavy Rotation

After talking to my mom yesterday I'm feeling a little better today. Some of the best advice I've ever gotten from her "Snap out of it!" lol.

Anywho last week or I received a pole dancing tutorial. It never really intrigued me before but after this lady showed me some things it was pretty fun (except for the sore thighs and arms, what a workout!) Funny thing is I didn't really feel sexy while I was doing it, it was more of a workout if anything, took me back to the days in gym class where you had to climb the rope. Me, not so much, I have very little upper body strength lol. Who thought of stripper poles anyways btw? Gotta look that one up.....

Is it me or was yesterday's weather feeling really good? This morning also was feeling a little cool.

I had a bad day in my french class today. I could not seem to concentrate for some reason. Speaking it I was fine but writing it.....ugh just couldn't seem to get my tenses and grammar in check. I guess the professor noticed my frustration because he asked me if everything was alright. I wanted to say hell no I had a hell of a weekend but I just said yeah I was fine. I should stop wearing my emotions on my sleeve, doesn't do anything but leave you embarrassed.


In heavy rotation in my Playlist:
Just Good Friends - Michael Jackson
Free Yourself - Fantasia
Never Can Say Goodbye - Michael Jackson/Gloria Gaynor
No One Gets the Prize - Diana Ross
Can't We Try - Teddy Pendergrass
I'd Rather - Luther Vandross
Ex Factor - Lauryn Hill
Take a Bow - Madonna
If My Heart Could Sing - Marvin Gaye
When Your Lover has Gone - Marvin Gaye
I Miss You So - Diana Krall
Officially Missing you -Tamia
I Get So Lonely - Janet Jackson
Unbreak My Heart - Toni Braxton
Can You Stop the Rain - Peabo Bryson

Pain doesn't last forever but...

*Takes a deep breath*


I'm really hurting right now, in case that wasn't conveyed.








Yes I had to come back for the second post in one day. Thanks for reading.

And the winner is...

Me!



Yes, I've won a new outlook on life, love, and people. And let me tell you, the shit aint pretty. But it's ok, I'm just going to stop being nice, caring about peoples feelings and start taking someones advice which was to "do me". Whatever the fck that means. Ah well, I guess I'll find out. You only live once right? No need in tip toeing, explaining or beatin around the bush. I'll let folk think whatever the hell they want and I guess I'll "flirt" til my little fckin heart is content and play football with my shit load of guy friends. *rolling my eyes* fck outa here...One of the most valuable lessons I've learned is to keep my damn mouth shut. People tend to ask you questions about your past/present/future that they really don't want to know the answers to...or they want to know the answers to but know they can't handle it and judge you off of that. Or they pick and choose what they want to judge you off of either way from now on I'm keeping my mouth shut and I will only answer all questions pertaining to "the way I live my life" with "It's none of your damn business." How's that for being secretive?



I made a mistake a long time ago, I started fuckin with a situation that I should have probably left dead a long time ago. Indecisiveness, womped love triangle, whatever you wanna call it, that was it and as much as my unrelenting love had a big part to play with it, it kinda makes you want to say "what's love got to do with it?" Esp. when you're really hurting inside...your head just gets so cloudy and the emotions and feelings that you never thought you could feel so strongly for one person takes over and it's like a 24hr high on some strong ass shit. It makes you want to and/or go against your morals, it makes you try to justify an unjustifiable situation when all you really have to do is open your eyes and see shit for what it is, the real shit. Too many folks are indecisive and too many people have too much love to give. I don't regret anything, everything is a learning experience was upset at first but now I'm beginning to be angry. To feel like my character is being attacked and have my card pulled when I know for a fact that aint NO ONE a saint. That's fcked up. That's what hurts. I know I'm a good person and I don't mistreat anyone. I was always taught to attack the issue not the person....

I'm just so frustrated and flustered right now I can't even get my thoughts straight. I just know that I feel very numb inside, very misunderstood and very sad because I know that I try my best to make people happy, to make people feel good, and to make people smile. I feel sick to my stomach, like I want to vomit. I want to cry but I have no tears left. I want to scream but I have a frog in my throat. I want to throw, smash, hit, kick, and destroy something but my body feels paralyzed. I think love is the real kryptonite.

There's a method to my mayhem

Update: Had a lot of fun at Birthday Bash last night, oh ATL you know how to show your ass, literally lol


To an extent I reeeally like spending time by myself. I get to talk to myself, do weird things, sing, and dance without being judged. My creative juices start to flow and I don’t feel stifled. I have some of my best moments when I’m alone; I also have some of my worst. I think about what I want to do, where I want to go and who I want to be...and be with. I bet to some I may seem shallow in thought, nonchalant, nonsensical even. But I am always, I repeat, ALWAYS thinking, observing, watching... My mind ticks and tocks like a clock and I know what time it is. Even when it looks like I don’t know what the hell I’m doing I always have a plan, "I got this" as my mom would say. (I’ll find a way or make one—School Motto). I may not always speak about the most important things in comparison to the other things but I know where my priorities are... With that said I’m going to be making a lot of changes in my life within these next few months and I’m prepared, I just hope those around me are.

Do you know what today is?

It's my birthday. I am now 22.

Ok that's enough of that, enjoy your day because I know I will!

"My heart is cryin, cryin, lonely teardrops..."

Lately I've been in a bit of a slump. I thought it was because Aunt Flow had recently came into town, making an already emotional person a blubbering fool but I think it's more than that. Well I admit I am a little depressed about not graduating yesterday, even though I know I'm not prepared for life after graduation it puts a little bit of self doubt in me (I'll elaborate later). I have a few friends still in Atlanta that can hang out with but I still feel lonely, I know I'm not alone, and I guess I should be used to it by now after basically being a latchkey kid but I guess I'm at that point in my life where I really need a certain level of support, understanding and yes affection.

When I say I feel lonely it's mainly because I feel like everyone else is doing their own things, have other MAJOR obligations, or I'm just slowly losing certain connections(family, friends...): My mom is in a completely different state and we talk sometimes but it's nothing like spending time with her. I haven't spoken to my real father in 4 years. I haven't seen my step dad (who raised me) in about 2 years, we speak sometimes. My cousin who I got really close to in NY now has a baby so she's busy with that and we never really get to see each other because I'm in school. My guy cousin, who is like my brother, never calls me, I have no way to contact him and it hurts because I feel like he's my heart. I have 3 best girl-friends, one is in another state raising her beautiful daughter (my bookie #2), one is just always at home or has some type of drama going on and is never on campus and the other just always works so we don't get to see each other often (though we did just go on a trip this past weekend). I have an Aunt I speak with just about every morning and she keeps me grounded. A few guy friends but I don't think they even understand me all the time. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to have everyone's lives revolve around me, at all, but sometime it feels like NOTHING ever concerns me or I'm last when it comes to anything or that I just have a bunch of shallow connections with people. I find myself just sitting in my room by myself just thinking...or reading or watching tv or staring aimlessly out my window thinking about the things that make me happy. Silly to say but it makes me feel safe to be by myself sometimes, like if I keep to myself nothing can disturb the little bit of sanity I have left, no one can piss me off and make me show my ugly side, no one can disappoint or hurt me and at the same time I guess that's why I'm feeling lonely. I know part of me is guarded, very guarded and there are only a few people that I let my wall down for and it almost feels bittersweet when I do, like I'm living in a fantasy, that it feels so good to just be wide open....but at the same time it's not always so easy. I've noticed that when good things come my way it's only for a short period of time and being the emotional person I am I soak up as much of it as I can before POOF! like the wind it's gone. So now instead of getting too excited about things I just take it as it comes. I'm trying to find a hobby, working out used to be it but I've slacked a little bit, I should probably start again, soon, lol.

As far as support, I feel as though I am my own support system, and I'm not talking in a financial sense. Just generally, I pat myself of the back all the time to keep my spirits up...and it's starting to give me a complex. I guess I miss those days where you brought home an A on a test and your mom put it on the fridge. I like that feeling, like what you did or accomplished matters. I'm in school but sometimes it feels like it doesn't matter to anyone...but myself, which upsets me because I'm not doing this just for myself. I can't help that I like to get super excited about what I'm doing, thing is when other people aren't excited it kind of puts a damper on my parade. Shit, I didn't have to go to college, I'm the kind of person that could have non profit organizations for the rest of my life and live within my means, but I chose to do this so that maybe one day I can be an inspiration to my little cousins or be well enough to be able to pay their tuition...and my mother wouldn't have had it any other way....

I didn't have any real way to end this blog, it was just a bunch of stuff going through my mind...as usual.

Panama City Beach, Florida 2009

So one of my best friends, I and her coworker decided to take a little weekend road trip to Panama City. Had a lot of fun, did a lot of thinking, a lot of decision making, a lot of tanning (yes, black folk tan), a lot of eating and a lot of drinking, lol.

Got to the beach aroun 4 so it wasn't quite as sunny
Saturday morn

Squinting; the sun mixed with the white sand made it very bright

Jet ski that my bestie and I FELL OFF, never let a newbie drive, lol we had fun though

Resort we stayed at

View from our balcony
around 4

Short trip, even shorter blog, enjoy your day!

Pt. 2 THEY be on that bullshit!!

So I just got back from an Omega probate (three of my friends just crossed) to show my support only to come home utterly pissed off and disgusted by the male species. I'm standing about 5'2 and this big fat ass Omega about 5'11 230 stands directly in front of me while the other Que's knelt down for the bystanders to see. So he asks a girl next to me (who isn't standing behind him) if she can see, she says yes. I quipped and said "No!" playfully (all smiles and giggles) and he slightly moves to the side, only enough for me to see another side of his thick neck. So he moves a teeny bit again and I'm thinking ok whatever dude, I know ya ass aint gonna move so stop fuckin with me.

So I say "Ya know what, you good, I can see."

He replies with a smirk "I know I'm good, I'm trying to see if you can see."

I let out a chuckle and say again "Yeah, you straight! I can see."

He replies again (trying to be facetious) "Yeah I know I'm straight I'm tryna see if you can see."

If he hadn't gotten by then that I was trying to say he didn't have to move anymore he's dumb as hell...or just trying to be funny. I wasn't in the mood for funny because one, they smelled really bad and I hate funny smells, and two he seemed a little tipsy.

So not 5 minutes later he manages to stand right in my viewing space and I let out a huge sigh and suck my teeth (horrible I know, I couldn't help it) and he turns around and mumbles something.

"What?" I ask

"See, you not even payin attention to the probate, I asked if you could see?"

"Oh, I am paying attention, but you talking jilted my attention.(Then I thought to myself, does he know what jilted means?). But yes, I can see (looking around his huge mass of a body)...now."

"Oh, you tryin to see which Que you gonna f*ck tonight?"

It took 3 seconds for what he said to register to me and the first thing I thought was WTF. The first thing I said was...

"What the f*ck!? WHAT?!"

"You tryin to see which Que you tryna f*ck tonight?"

This man looked in his early 40's.

Now there are about 7 females surrounding me all lookin at him (along with myself) with the stink face. Needless to say I WENT OFF. Some F bombs here and there, a few other expletives to convey how I was truly feeling at that moment and letting him know I could give a damn about some letters. You don't speak to a woman like that. Point blank period. Esp. a female you don't know. I don't know if he felt so compelled to speak to me in that manner because he thought I was some Omega groupie like some of the others in the vicinity or what but he was messin with the wrong one. I don't play that shit. All he could say was,

"...See that's why you're not Greek." and stood right back in front of me. Aww.

Oh yeah did I mention I had 3 friends that were probating?! Yeah so I cleared my vocal chords and commenced to screaming out their names and other congratulatory phrases. Yes while he was standing directly in front of me, he eventually moved. My bad. ;)




And if that's what it means to be Greek, to put up with bullshit n thangs, you're right, that's EXACTLY why I'm not Greek.

Special Request

L'homme de Chocolat 4/6/09

The Chocolate Man
There he stands
Looking at me in all my glam
He smells so sweet,
Proper tone, erect stance
Gleaming eyes that make my heart prance.

The Chocolate Man
Can I have a chance,
To make your toes curl
And your eyebrows dance?
As you've done mine, many a time
Got me feeling...so sublime

The Chocolate Man
And the Chocolate girl
Giving those sheets a healthy whirl
He gives, she takes
He takes, she gives
All the more so this lust can live...



Merci de votre amitié :)

If seeking my own sanity is a crime...

LOCK ME UP!


I've realized lately that the reason why I can't move on and open myself to new things (specifically guys) is because I haven't quite closed out a chapter in my life. Not too many things hurt me but when I feel misunderstood or that my intentions are misconstrued I get very upset.

I've only been IN love once in my life and I think what hurts more than not being able to be with that person is feeling like they don't understand why I can't be their friend...at least not now. Maybe I didn't express myself clear enough but it's like dangling a carrot in front of a horses face. You can't talk to them because it reminds you of all the late night chats you used to have. You can't be around them because the temptation is too strong...and it's not like you're just trying to be an ass for the sake of ass-dom but it's hard. So hard to the point that you just want to scream "DON'T YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO KNOW THAT I'M NOT GOING TO BE WITH YOU PROBABLY EVER AGAIN?! I STILL FEEL IN MY HEART THAT YOU'RE MY SOULMATE"....one can say next lifetime all they want but deep down inside if one is in love with someone else chances are shit aint gonna happen on this end. So to still want to be friends in my eyes is out of the question or at least until I find someone else to occupy my time. But even that's hard to do when there are constant reminders of a love lost. It's kinda like a D or F on your transcript, no matter how many more A's you get, you're GPA doesn't move up too much until that D or F is completely removed...can't travel light with dead weight.



I feel like a babbling fool right now so for ya'll's own sanity I'm going to stop. lol

But I just want to say one more thing, despite whatever has happened and no matter how I may feel, there is always going to be a special place in my heart for you, never forget that. I just need time to heal.

Recap

OK we need to catch up! :)


Actually quite a bit happened in February, it was quite interesting, at least to me.

I went to the Inauguration, had so much fun. I really love being with my family, we make EVERYTHING a family affair.

Around 3:00am at the Springfield train station in VA on our way to the Capitol!


Around 5:30am


The crowd behind us. The atmosphere was crazy!


My auntie and I huddled together. It was brick!



At the end, if we looked up we could see Bush flying away in his helicopter.



Got laid off :/ and what sucks is that it wasn't our fault. We had a high shrink therefore out inventory was some crap! The hood got us fired man...

I'm doing very well so far in my classes this semester. I'm praying for Dec 2009!

I've been going out a lot more, which is cool but can get kinda old kinda quick. Still fun though.

At some lounge lol...



I'm a God Mommy now, lol. One of my best friends had a baby and shes so fatnsweet I can't wait to see her!


More to come, I gotta go workout before I get too lazy today....

20 Random Facts About Moi

My bad, Happy New Year.

Though there isn't much that's new right now hmm...inventory at my job is coming up, lol, borrring. Classes start next week, good, it's time to get this show on the road. Though I'm really confused about what I want to do after I graduate and it's starting to get scary. I'm thinkin about the peace corps...seriously...

There actually has been a lot on my mind lately and it's hard to sort everything out because it's so jumbled up, I'll elaborate soon.


Confession: I've visited McDonalds one too many times this week. I'm a sucker for apple pie and chicken nuggets, :/ lol I swear they put crack in them!


Confession #2: Although I feel healthier I thought that by losing weight I'd be happier, the truth is I don't know if I am.

So here's a fun chain letter thingy that's floating around FB and I thought I'd post it with a little editing of course!

20 RANDOM FACTS:

1) I drink ice cold tap water from a mason jar when I'm back home in NC. lol

2) It wouldn't behoove anyone to lie to me because the truth always reveals itself to me whether they know it or not.

3) It really irritates me when people aren't mindful of my time or space, that's definitely a make or breaker.

4) I am the "best worst" procrastinator when it comes to school, lol...sheeyit it may not get done when wanted, but it's always on time.

5) Dottie Peoples is my favorite gospel artist. Angela Bassett my favorite actress. Tom Hanks is my favorite actor. Spike Lee is my favorite producer/director.

6) I love love love 60's rock/psychedelic music and 80's soft rock.

7) I think tattoos and body piercings are cool.

8) My favorite song is It's Raining Men.

9) I’m very open minded, understanding and I don’t judge. I’m not very petty nor do I like confrontation.

10) I love NCIS, Law&Order:SVU, and reality TV, I know most of it isn't real but who doesn't enjoy mindless entertainment from time to time?!?

11) One day I’m going to disappear to an island where no one can find me and lay on the beach all day watching the sunset while sipping my Corona Light listening to Carlos Santana, Peter Frampton and Jimmy Buffett.

12) I believe in love but with the state of relationships nowadays and marriage looking bleak I'm starting to think it wont happen for me...and I'm actually ok with that.

13) I have all the symptoms of the OCS (Only Child Syndrome).

14) I want to do competition Latin ballroom dancing…and I will one day. And body building when I'm like 45, the sexy lean kind, not the BIG muscles.

15) I'm related to Busta Rythmes, Michael Jordan and Thelonious Monk.

16) I'd love to have sex with a blindfold on both of us.

17) I kinda don’t know how to drive.

18) I secretly wish that someone would knock on my front door and just kidnap me for the day. No call, no warning, just take me...*sigh* :}

19) I wish I had more female friends.

20) I love pineapples and pomegranates., lmao...that one is for you T.