If seeking my own sanity is a crime...

LOCK ME UP!


I've realized lately that the reason why I can't move on and open myself to new things (specifically guys) is because I haven't quite closed out a chapter in my life. Not too many things hurt me but when I feel misunderstood or that my intentions are misconstrued I get very upset.

I've only been IN love once in my life and I think what hurts more than not being able to be with that person is feeling like they don't understand why I can't be their friend...at least not now. Maybe I didn't express myself clear enough but it's like dangling a carrot in front of a horses face. You can't talk to them because it reminds you of all the late night chats you used to have. You can't be around them because the temptation is too strong...and it's not like you're just trying to be an ass for the sake of ass-dom but it's hard. So hard to the point that you just want to scream "DON'T YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU?! DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO KNOW THAT I'M NOT GOING TO BE WITH YOU PROBABLY EVER AGAIN?! I STILL FEEL IN MY HEART THAT YOU'RE MY SOULMATE"....one can say next lifetime all they want but deep down inside if one is in love with someone else chances are shit aint gonna happen on this end. So to still want to be friends in my eyes is out of the question or at least until I find someone else to occupy my time. But even that's hard to do when there are constant reminders of a love lost. It's kinda like a D or F on your transcript, no matter how many more A's you get, you're GPA doesn't move up too much until that D or F is completely removed...can't travel light with dead weight.



I feel like a babbling fool right now so for ya'll's own sanity I'm going to stop. lol

But I just want to say one more thing, despite whatever has happened and no matter how I may feel, there is always going to be a special place in my heart for you, never forget that. I just need time to heal.