Reflection

I've lived in a lot of places, experienced a lot of things, met a lot of people and shed a lot of tears. I am in the company of some wonderful ladies that I call my best friends (you know who you are) and some genuine men (you too know who you are). Relationships, I've experienced it, but not in the way I've wanted to. I've dated drug dealers, heart stealers, and cheaters and now I'm looking for a wound healer. I do open myself up, maybe a little too much, but I thought that's what you're supposed to do when you really care for someone. Ah well, that was the past and after being single for a little while I've had the chance to look at myself, the mistakes I've made, the hastiness, unintentional selfishness...I’ve basically come to the conclusion that I’ve centered my life on making others comfortable and boosting everyone elses ego. I believe my kindness has turned a little bit into push-over-ness and I have allowed people to use me for their convenience, there I said it. BUT, I like making people feel good, I really do, I think everyone should have at least one person that they can say cares for them and I guess I’ve always wanted to be that person. I’ve always wanted to be everyone’s best friend, every guy’s girlfriend, every family member’s favorite child and I’ve done everything to please EVERYONE ELSE. I guess it’s kind of like a pie, everyone keeps taking a slice from the pie, leaving it empty and the warmth it once had from being whole has now gotten colder since pieces of it have been taken away. And, because it’s still sweet, everyone still wants a bite, never offering to buy the ingredients to bake a new pie, just consuming it. I've never been the most beautiful, had the best body, skin nor have I had the best hair or material items, so I guess I was just over compensating by making everyone else feel good because that made me feel good. Don’t get me wrong, I have had my confident moments but they were usually shot down quickly by someone whom I let have a piece of this pie. It is funny how the ones’ closest to you are the quickest to tear you down.

I'm young, yes, but I think I have a good idea of what I need in the relationship department (Don't worry, I wont give you a long list). But, I consider myself to be a good woman, a lil freak nasty (who isn't?!?), but good all the same. I don't really date, it's a waste of time, energy, and is just awkward. I don't take phone calls after 10pm from men (what do we possibly have to talk about that can't wait until the morning?...exactly!) nor do I make dates for the weekend after Wednesday (after Wednesday, it's mischevious girls weekend! lol). I study and paint my toe nails on Sundays, read a little scripture every now and then, and I'm very smart...a lot smarter than some people seem to realize. I just wish I could come across someone of the male persuasion that I could hang out with, rub my cold nose on their cheek to warm it up (when I'm really just trying to get a whiff their colonge, lol), watch Like Water for Chocolate and all my other favorite movies that people don't watch, have him meet the love of my life (my mom) so she'll have someone to call her son-in-law (endearingly joking of course), suck on their earlobe just for fun while he rubs my butt, eat my fried chicken with, tell my secrets, hopes and dreams to and then cuddle all night to some Teddy P. or Barry, whatever happens after that happens. I want him to be comfortable enough with me for him to do the same.

I crave passion, excitement, lust, reciprocity, love, affection, attention, empathy, consideration and honesty. I never ask for anything that I'm not willing to give in return. I like to think of relationships as a phone bill. You know there are just standard charges you have to pay (basic plan, service charges, state tax...), and then there are the extra's (texting, internet, roaming, ring tones, games...) To me the standard charges are everything that you're going to get from me from jump, even if we're just friends (kindness, trust, caring, compassion, etc...) and the extra's are everything that's manifested within the relationship (love, unconditional positive regard, freaky sex, love making, reciprocity...). The problem is, people want to use up all their minutes and then complain when they have to pay for it...

But through all of that I've come to realize all that I have to offer. A warm, selfless, understanding heart, a sincerity that some are astonished by, and a love for people that scare some. I still have a love for everyone, even those who have hurt me, only because I believe that everyone IS really good at heart.